Lovely

Well things continue on at their lovely pace.  NG met my brother, sister-in-law, and their kids (3yo girl and 6yo boy) this past weekend.  It went swimingly.  We had dinner, a few beers, watched some football, and just generally chilled.  He got the seal of approval from them, my brother's only reservation being his fear of me getting kicked in the face again.  When my s-i-l told him that NG is the one talking more about marriage and babies than I am, that fear seemed to disappear.  We're heading to my hometown tonight to meet my dad and stepmom, along with a bunch of hometown folks who have basically known me since I came into the world.  No pressure. 
I've been spending more time with TD and so far only minor indications of step-shenanigans.  We were shopping on Monday and she went into her dad's dressing room and told him I left her by herself.  He, knowing me and knowing his daughter, didn't believe her and didn't even flinch.  When she came out and told me this, I just told her it wasn't okay to lie.  No fireworks, no crap, just successful limit-testing. 
I'm so impressed with NG's parenting skills.  He's an authoritative parent, by broad category, in that his expectations for her behavior are pretty high and so is his level of warmth and affection.  For example.......as we're driving to the mall she's telling this clearly exaggerated story about her teacher 'picking on' her and being 'mean' to her, etc., etc., etc.  Not abnormal for an 8yo, and clearly a test of how we would handle this.  So I put on my therapist hat, asked some information-seeking questions, discovering (of course) many behaviors of TD that caused the teacher to call her down.  NG jumps right in, similar questions, comments, etc., and holds her (not the teacher) responsible for her behavior.  I was so impressed.  There was no yelling or belittling and there was also no placating or apeasing.  I teach parenting, and THIS is what I ask parents to do!  I think a big part of our success as parent and stepparent is going to hinge on his tolerance or lack of tolerance of any behaviors she might throw my way.  I'm hearing lots of stories of very permissive fathers making step situations unbearable, so far he's backing me up, and that makes me hopeful.

Another weekend..........

......a new set of questions. 
NG went hunting last week, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday morning.  He had TD Wednesday night, so we hadn't seen each other since Tuesday.  Given that it was his weekend to have NG, combined with the fact that we hadn't seen each other, meant TD and I spent some significant time together this weekend.  I got to his house about 2:30p on Saturday, stayed until about 9, came back about 10 the next morning.  He went on a work trip yesterday, so I left when he left about 4.  TD was there all of Saturday and most of Sunday.  She and I continue to get along well.  She's a picky eater, but not terribly difficult to accomodate (mac and cheese with creamed corn mixed in????  eeew! but easy), and she likes to help.  She is showing some jealousy, but I think that's pretty normal.  When I explained it to NG, he seemed to get it.  If I'm standing next to him in the kitchen, she squeezes between us; if we're sitting on the couch, she's laying across us.  She also seems kind of conflicted, which I also think is pretty normal.  She asked him (Sunday morning when I wasn't there) when they could spend some time together "just us", but when he told her they were going out for dinner "just us" this coming Friday, she insisted I come since I'm "part of the family now.  Kinda."  She asked NG last week why he and her mom couldn't get back together when they can be nice to each other now.  He explained (again, she asks this every few months apparently) that they can be nice for a little while, but not for a long while.  She's fine to me, though, so far.  We went on a walk Saturday night, just her and I, while NG did the dishes.  Asked if my dog could spend the night since I was going home and coming back in the morning.  She was super excited when I told her she could help me with my holiday baking, asked me to braid her hair, wanted to help me wash aforementioned dog (who rolled in something icky), told me she thought I would be pretty when her dad and I have babies, helped us with breakfast, etc.  Yell at me if any of this seems odd, I'm flying by the seat of my pants here. 
The other question is how I'm supposed to interact with her mom.   NG didn't invite her in Sunday when she came to get TD, and I'm pretty sure she usually comes in to get her.  He said he wanted to avoid the awkwardness until he and I had a chance to talk about it.  I don't think it's appropriate or healthy to pretend I'm not there or to avoid her for much longer.  I'm totally out of my element here, any advice?

Congratulations!

This is apparently what greeted NG when he went to pick TD up from tutoring last night.  (As a side note, I figured out why she goes to tutoring, she has trouble getting re-started after the summer, so she goes for the first couple months to get on track.)  NG was congratulated on his marriage by the tutor.  His marriage you say?????  Yes.  Apparently TD is telling everyone that her dad is either getting married or has gotten married, he couldn't really tell.  Um....hello awkward situation!  Yes, we're seriously talking about marriage, it's really an assumption at this point, but I have no essential hardware.  It's not official until there's hardware and a date.  I wouldn't expect her to understand that, of course, but hopefully he explained something similar to her.  She was surprised and apparently disappointed that I was not there when she got there last night.  NG is going out of town a lot in the next few weeks, so I thought it would be good for them to have some time by themselves.  I'll see her some this weekend anyway.  It's wonderful that she is so welcoming of me, and I'm definitely not looking a step-horse in the mouth, though a significant part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop.  She was really struggling with the divorce, asking about them getting back together as late as this past spring.  She told me all about the kids-in-the-midst-of-divorce group she was in with the guidance counselor at school, The Pink Group, it was apparently called.  She said it helped a lot, but seriously, where's the backlash????

So this brings up some interesting questions.............Has she relayed the same (mis)information to her mom?  School personnel?  What would be an 8yo daughter's role in a wedding?  Does there have to be a backlash or am I just cynical?

The only thing constant.........

.........is change.  This according to my always wise and profound father. 

I have worked in the same building, with many of the same clients and coworkers for the last 4 years.  In a few weeks I will embark on a brand new journey- new town, new environment, new clients, new coworkers.  It is terrifying.  The things that give me mental health system street cred will not be applicable in my new world.  No one will care that I know about funding streams and Medicaid, billing rates and DMH.  I will have to use my actual clinical skill and build new relationships.  I've done it before, but it's been a long time.

As if that wasn't enough, I'm also diving into a relationship and probable marriage plus stepparenting.  NG frequently talks about our family, our home, and our life together.  I don't even get time to think it's not real when he does it again!  He leaves me sweet messages on the refrigerator, written in his daughter's magnetic letters.  Somehow, it's more endearing that way.  He packed my lunch the other day, loaded a HUGE dog crate (we're dogsitting) into my trunk so I wouldn't have to struggle with it, and helped me stop worrying about a tough conversation with my boss.  Last night we discussed finances and building an addition on to his house.  Who has what debt, credit scores, financial goals and preferences, income, etc.  Now there's a conversation that will take your head out of the clouds of new love!  I'm dumb about money stuff sometimes and it is terrifying to think about for me.

It's a lot, and it's all at once.  Oddly, this is what my aforementioned always wise and profound father said was going to happen.  "It will all happen at once, honey, and you won't know what hit you."  How is it that he's still always right???  Anyway, change is good and I'm pushing ahead full steam through the fear. 

Spelling Words

Tonight I spent some more time with TD.  I had a job interview down his way and NG, being his nice self, asked me to come by on my way home for dinner.   He was outside conferring with his visiting dad on boy-type stuff like drainage and conduit, and I was inside with TD putting leftovers together for dinner.  I asked her what I would ask any 8yo.....
Me: "What do you have for homework?"
TD: "Spelling words, two math sheets, and 30m of reading."
Me: "Well what are your spelling words?"
TD: "Knife, knives, lie, lies........I'll go get my sheet!!!"
She was soooo excited.  She RAN out to her dad's truck and got her spelling sheet, brought it back in, and I quizzed her while we put dinner together.  I explained the concept of "change the Y to I and add ES", and how some of them (knife to knives) are just weird and have to be memorized.  Some of the words she didn't know the meaning of, which strikes me as a problem, so we talked about those.  We made flashcards out of notebook paper (no index cards), used them in a sentence, etc.  These are totally mundane things that I have always wanted to do.  Periodically NG would come through, give me a kiss, stir the chili, spell something wrong (he's a TERRIBLE speller) and go back out to his big boy toys to play with his dad.  We all sat down for dinner and the neighbor called.  NG's neighbor was shredding some trees and wanted to know if he wanted mulch for anything.  NG, being the great guy he is, tells him he'll call him back in a few minutes.  (I had not a clue why at the time.)  When TD asked him why he didn't just say yes, NG explained that decisions like large piles of chipped wood don't just effect him now and he wanted to check with me.  I told him that anytime he wanted to make me a flower bed, I would be more than happy to play in it.  I love stuff like that.  This was intriguing to TD.  I asked her if she had ever planted flowers and she said "No, Mom doesn't have time for that."  I don't know why I reacted so strongly, but she sounded very sad, and not in a dramatic tween kind of way.
When she was getting ready to go to tutoring (what high-functioning 3rd grader needs a tutor?????), she asked "When will you be here when I'm here again?  Cause next time you're here that I'm here, bring flowers and show me how!"  I was suddenly struck with this impression of her as very needy, not in an inappropriate, dramatic, attention-seeking kind of way, but in a very real way.  This may well be a premature judgement on my part, and I'm willing to re-evaluate, but this runs right with what NG has told me about her mom.  She's very career-focused, works 16 hours a day, and TD watches the Disney Channel in her room whenever she isn't at school.
On the way to tutoring, she apparently went on and on about how much she likes me and asked her dad when we're getting married.  NG apparently replied "We'll see, but probably next year."  This was super exciting to TD, apparently she just can't wait for us to be "a real family", as she has talked about before.  No pressure.  Later, she told him she's afraid I'll become mean after we get married.  NG, insightful man that he is, said "Like asking you to brush your teeth and clean your room?", to which he got a silent lack of reply.  Silly adults and our expectations.  Hahaha!

The Big Meeting

Saturday was the day.  We, in our infinite adult wisdom, had planned it so that TD would be distracted by her grandfather visiting and the party we were having so it wouldn't be such a big deal.  We, in our infinite adult wisdom, totally underestimated TD.  She was not to be deterred.  She stuck to me like glue most of Saturday and all of Sunday.  We made smores, we made banana boats, we putted in the yard with golf clubs (at which time I stepped in a fire ant hill, not cool at all), we watched tv, she fell asleep across our laps at the campfire.  While I was cooking she was sitting on the counter talking.  If I was sitting on the deck, she was sitting beside me.  She almost followed me into the bathroom!  She wanted to know everything.........what do I do at work and why, how long have I known her dad and how many babies do I want to have if we get married, what's my favorite food, where did I meet her dad, why do I like football, and on and on and on.  I, in turn, got to hear about NG's previous girlfriends that TD has met, how they weren't very nice, how it "just didn't work out", and various and sundry things about her mom.  This appears to be her personality, and she doesn't get it from her dad. 

Saturday was a big day for me, since I met his daughter, his father, his aunt, and his cousin and his wife and their kids all in one fell swoop.  As his aunt was leaving she says to him "She's so cute!", not knowing I was literally standing right beside him.  We were outside at the campfire, so it wasn't bright, and she thought I had gone inside.  We all got a good chuckle out of that.  TD tells me Sunday that she likes me because I talk to her, then informing me that her mom doesn't talk to her, smokes, and is sometimes a brat.  All of these things apparently go together in TD's mind.  I think my reply was something brilliant like "Oh." 

All in all, I think it went really well.  I'm very interested to see if there's any fallout from it, or more realistically, what the fallout is, not if it will happen.  When she called her dad to say good night she wanted to say good night to me, too.  She's a very sweet little girl, sometimes has a sassy mouth, but generally very sweet.  So far so good.