Congratulations!

This is apparently what greeted NG when he went to pick TD up from tutoring last night.  (As a side note, I figured out why she goes to tutoring, she has trouble getting re-started after the summer, so she goes for the first couple months to get on track.)  NG was congratulated on his marriage by the tutor.  His marriage you say?????  Yes.  Apparently TD is telling everyone that her dad is either getting married or has gotten married, he couldn't really tell.  Um....hello awkward situation!  Yes, we're seriously talking about marriage, it's really an assumption at this point, but I have no essential hardware.  It's not official until there's hardware and a date.  I wouldn't expect her to understand that, of course, but hopefully he explained something similar to her.  She was surprised and apparently disappointed that I was not there when she got there last night.  NG is going out of town a lot in the next few weeks, so I thought it would be good for them to have some time by themselves.  I'll see her some this weekend anyway.  It's wonderful that she is so welcoming of me, and I'm definitely not looking a step-horse in the mouth, though a significant part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop.  She was really struggling with the divorce, asking about them getting back together as late as this past spring.  She told me all about the kids-in-the-midst-of-divorce group she was in with the guidance counselor at school, The Pink Group, it was apparently called.  She said it helped a lot, but seriously, where's the backlash????

So this brings up some interesting questions.............Has she relayed the same (mis)information to her mom?  School personnel?  What would be an 8yo daughter's role in a wedding?  Does there have to be a backlash or am I just cynical?

The only thing constant.........

.........is change.  This according to my always wise and profound father. 

I have worked in the same building, with many of the same clients and coworkers for the last 4 years.  In a few weeks I will embark on a brand new journey- new town, new environment, new clients, new coworkers.  It is terrifying.  The things that give me mental health system street cred will not be applicable in my new world.  No one will care that I know about funding streams and Medicaid, billing rates and DMH.  I will have to use my actual clinical skill and build new relationships.  I've done it before, but it's been a long time.

As if that wasn't enough, I'm also diving into a relationship and probable marriage plus stepparenting.  NG frequently talks about our family, our home, and our life together.  I don't even get time to think it's not real when he does it again!  He leaves me sweet messages on the refrigerator, written in his daughter's magnetic letters.  Somehow, it's more endearing that way.  He packed my lunch the other day, loaded a HUGE dog crate (we're dogsitting) into my trunk so I wouldn't have to struggle with it, and helped me stop worrying about a tough conversation with my boss.  Last night we discussed finances and building an addition on to his house.  Who has what debt, credit scores, financial goals and preferences, income, etc.  Now there's a conversation that will take your head out of the clouds of new love!  I'm dumb about money stuff sometimes and it is terrifying to think about for me.

It's a lot, and it's all at once.  Oddly, this is what my aforementioned always wise and profound father said was going to happen.  "It will all happen at once, honey, and you won't know what hit you."  How is it that he's still always right???  Anyway, change is good and I'm pushing ahead full steam through the fear. 

Spelling Words

Tonight I spent some more time with TD.  I had a job interview down his way and NG, being his nice self, asked me to come by on my way home for dinner.   He was outside conferring with his visiting dad on boy-type stuff like drainage and conduit, and I was inside with TD putting leftovers together for dinner.  I asked her what I would ask any 8yo.....
Me: "What do you have for homework?"
TD: "Spelling words, two math sheets, and 30m of reading."
Me: "Well what are your spelling words?"
TD: "Knife, knives, lie, lies........I'll go get my sheet!!!"
She was soooo excited.  She RAN out to her dad's truck and got her spelling sheet, brought it back in, and I quizzed her while we put dinner together.  I explained the concept of "change the Y to I and add ES", and how some of them (knife to knives) are just weird and have to be memorized.  Some of the words she didn't know the meaning of, which strikes me as a problem, so we talked about those.  We made flashcards out of notebook paper (no index cards), used them in a sentence, etc.  These are totally mundane things that I have always wanted to do.  Periodically NG would come through, give me a kiss, stir the chili, spell something wrong (he's a TERRIBLE speller) and go back out to his big boy toys to play with his dad.  We all sat down for dinner and the neighbor called.  NG's neighbor was shredding some trees and wanted to know if he wanted mulch for anything.  NG, being the great guy he is, tells him he'll call him back in a few minutes.  (I had not a clue why at the time.)  When TD asked him why he didn't just say yes, NG explained that decisions like large piles of chipped wood don't just effect him now and he wanted to check with me.  I told him that anytime he wanted to make me a flower bed, I would be more than happy to play in it.  I love stuff like that.  This was intriguing to TD.  I asked her if she had ever planted flowers and she said "No, Mom doesn't have time for that."  I don't know why I reacted so strongly, but she sounded very sad, and not in a dramatic tween kind of way.
When she was getting ready to go to tutoring (what high-functioning 3rd grader needs a tutor?????), she asked "When will you be here when I'm here again?  Cause next time you're here that I'm here, bring flowers and show me how!"  I was suddenly struck with this impression of her as very needy, not in an inappropriate, dramatic, attention-seeking kind of way, but in a very real way.  This may well be a premature judgement on my part, and I'm willing to re-evaluate, but this runs right with what NG has told me about her mom.  She's very career-focused, works 16 hours a day, and TD watches the Disney Channel in her room whenever she isn't at school.
On the way to tutoring, she apparently went on and on about how much she likes me and asked her dad when we're getting married.  NG apparently replied "We'll see, but probably next year."  This was super exciting to TD, apparently she just can't wait for us to be "a real family", as she has talked about before.  No pressure.  Later, she told him she's afraid I'll become mean after we get married.  NG, insightful man that he is, said "Like asking you to brush your teeth and clean your room?", to which he got a silent lack of reply.  Silly adults and our expectations.  Hahaha!

The Big Meeting

Saturday was the day.  We, in our infinite adult wisdom, had planned it so that TD would be distracted by her grandfather visiting and the party we were having so it wouldn't be such a big deal.  We, in our infinite adult wisdom, totally underestimated TD.  She was not to be deterred.  She stuck to me like glue most of Saturday and all of Sunday.  We made smores, we made banana boats, we putted in the yard with golf clubs (at which time I stepped in a fire ant hill, not cool at all), we watched tv, she fell asleep across our laps at the campfire.  While I was cooking she was sitting on the counter talking.  If I was sitting on the deck, she was sitting beside me.  She almost followed me into the bathroom!  She wanted to know everything.........what do I do at work and why, how long have I known her dad and how many babies do I want to have if we get married, what's my favorite food, where did I meet her dad, why do I like football, and on and on and on.  I, in turn, got to hear about NG's previous girlfriends that TD has met, how they weren't very nice, how it "just didn't work out", and various and sundry things about her mom.  This appears to be her personality, and she doesn't get it from her dad. 

Saturday was a big day for me, since I met his daughter, his father, his aunt, and his cousin and his wife and their kids all in one fell swoop.  As his aunt was leaving she says to him "She's so cute!", not knowing I was literally standing right beside him.  We were outside at the campfire, so it wasn't bright, and she thought I had gone inside.  We all got a good chuckle out of that.  TD tells me Sunday that she likes me because I talk to her, then informing me that her mom doesn't talk to her, smokes, and is sometimes a brat.  All of these things apparently go together in TD's mind.  I think my reply was something brilliant like "Oh." 

All in all, I think it went really well.  I'm very interested to see if there's any fallout from it, or more realistically, what the fallout is, not if it will happen.  When she called her dad to say good night she wanted to say good night to me, too.  She's a very sweet little girl, sometimes has a sassy mouth, but generally very sweet.  So far so good.

Quoteable Quotes

Last night NG asked TD (he has her for the weekend) what she thought about Dad's girlfriend.  "If she loves you, I like her.  I like her curly hair, and if she wants to have babies I like her."  Apparently TD is 8 going on 16.  She has always wanted a sibling and according to NG is a very maternal little girl.  Obviously only time will tell, and a lot of kids say they want siblings right up until one comes along, but I still (probably naively) think it's a good start. 

Well..........

no sooner do I start a dating blog then I appear to be done with dating! At least that's the working plan, according to Nice Guy. I have never dated someone so committed so quickly. For me, this is a very very good thing. I'm not a fan of ambiguity and I'm not getting younger. He said he knew when I walked in on our first date, it took me a bit longer. NG is family-oriented, kind, gentle, and fun. I have never been with someone so unintentionally thoughtful. He does random stuff like leaving me sweet messages on the refrigerator written with his daughter's magnet letters, making dinner on a Sunday when I will be travelling, and sending me a sweet text message when HE is outside walking MY dog. NG loves my dog (not her hair, but I don't love her hair either), loves me, and is excited to be a family one day. He wants to build an addition to his house, have two kids, and live between my family farm in VA and his in NY when we're old. We will literally have 2 1/2 kids and a dog. We will be the statistical average. Our kids will be short, and we joke about the need for ground level instead of overhead cabinets. I am frequently surprised by how much he wants to be with me, and how its not needy and weird, he just likes me that much.

So maybe my blog now becomes one of the perils of dating a man with a child. She is a pistol from what I gather. She's very bright and doesn't miss a thing. When she saw the food and water in bowls on the floor, she asked who has a dog. "My friend." "Friend or girlfriend?" "Girlfriend." "Girl-friend or girlfriend?" She's 8. The other day she wanted to know if I sleep with him when I come over. I'm a little concerned that this is a planted question from her mom, but 8 isn't what it used to be either. She really wants to meet me, and we're letting her get used to the idea of me for a little while first.

We're not really sure how much the ex dates or how much TD knows about her mom dating. I'm concerned about the whole situation, but NG says he isn't really. "She is a good judge of character, being the awesome person you are, she'll like you quickly." He also said the ex has always said she knows he'll get married again and have more children. She wants to set a good example for TD, and that seems to be her primary concern. I would never do anything to the contrary. I'm reading up on the stepparenting thing, really just trying to get some ideas of what not to do so I don't screw something up unintentionally. NG and I have talked about it some, and we're on the same page. That's one of the best things about us I think, we make a good team.

His dad is coming to visit the first week of October and he wants me to meet him. His dad and TD are close, so I'm wondering how that will play out. Advice, comments, and suggestions are more than welcome, this is totally unchartered territory for me!

As a sidenote, I am really amused and inspired by two blogs I have found in my search for reflections on stepmothering. One is http://witheyeswideopen2.blogspot.com/, wonderfully candid.  The other is accessed through the button below, unapologetically non-domestic and childfree, La Belle Mere has not lost her singleton soul since becoming a married.  :-)

*sigh*

I have nothing to complain about. I started this blog so I would have somewhere to complain and laugh at the ridiculousness of dating. Apparently after only 3 guys worth of entries, things stopped being so ridiculous!! Not that I'm whining, believe me, the sooner I can stop living in the ridiculousness, the better as far as I'm concerned.

Obviously, things are still going well with NG. We both feel like we're really really compatible, and we're both aware it's been less than a month. I'm typically the one that starts thinking about future stuff first, but he totally beat me to it. I swear we share a brain.

His dad is coming to town at the end of the month and he wants me to meet him. He'll be coming to the burg with me for a football game pretty soon. His daughter is about to BUST SOMETHING to meet me, but we're holding off on that just to be sure. She sent me a few texts from his phone the other day while we were writing back and forth, got a big kick out of that. We're trying to really ease into it with her. The last woman he dated didn't like her, didn't like kids at all from what I gather, and the feeling was mutual. I don't want us to get attached and then have it not work out. That's one kind of heartbreak I haven't had and am not interested in experiencing. He swears he's not going anywhere.....I'm actually starting to believe him!

There are a lot of things about him that are very different from other guys I've dated. For starters he's not tall and has hair. More importantly though, he's more like me than anyone I've dated. I can just be myself and he gets all excited and tells me how great I am. Totally random thoughts? Follows them. Sense of humor? Gets it. Pretty dress, heels, makeup and hair perfect? Loves it. Hole-in-the-knee jeans, ball cap, Tevas and a ratty t-shirt (helping him paint cabinet doors)?? Loves it. Swanky restaurant? Happy. Fire pit in a friend's backyard? Happy. I've always wanted a well-rounded man and here he is! Family-oriented. Industrious. Funny. Smart. Adoring. Easy-going. Animal loving. No complaints indeed.