But I haven't even had my coffee!!!!!

It was a regular morning in our house.  Alarm went off early, snooze button and snuggling as is our routine.  NG woke TD up, assisted by the FO of course, and headed off for work.  We try to take turns taking her to school since it makes us both late for work, and he took her yesterday.  I like taking her, it's fun time for us to be together just us, and we have some fun traditions around it now, like watching Sunrise Earth on Discovery.  Love it. 

So I'm packing (going out of town this afternoon) and getting myself ready for work and here comes TD out of bed, sobbing.  Big tears. 

TD is not a drama cryer.  She does occasionally cry when she gets in trouble, but it's usually because her feelings are actually hurt or she feels really badly about what she did.  She doesn't cry to get out of trouble as far as I can tell.  Plus she wasn't even in trouble, she wasn't even out of bed yet, so I knew something was wrong.  She sobbed.....and she sobbed......and she sobbed......just heart breaking.  And I haven't even had my coffee.  There should be a rule about tears before coffee. 

I just sat with her and patted her until she could talk, and all she could get out was "I miss Daddy."  Even without my coffee, I knew she didn't mean in the present.  She misses her Daddy in general.  So I asked if she would like to be at our house more.  I didn't know if I should even go there, but she was so sincerely sad.  She said she would, and we talked about letting her dad and mom handle it.  I've heard NG tell her that if she wants to spend more time with us she should tell her mom.  I don't think that's appropriate, she's a kid, and that's grown-up stuff.  How on earth could we expect her to tell her mom she wants to spend LESS time with her?  Unfair. 
So we agreed that I would tell her dad, and she and her dad would talk about it, and he would talk to her mom.  I'm sure she and her mom will talk about it, and I think that's appropriate, I just don't think she should have to initiate the conversation and she doesn't want to.  We talked about different families having different schedules, how some do a week at a time (I'm a big fan of that I think, fewer transitions, more consistency), and some do as little as every other weekend.  I told her we would figure out what works for our family.
When I told NG about it, he was very happy (obviously).  He's going to talk to TD about it tonight.  He's had this conversation with TM before, and when more time with him comes up she says she won't do it because she would miss TD.  Ummmm....because NG doesn't miss her?  Come on.  We'll see what happens, I'm not holding my breath.  TM's whole life revolves around TD, I don't see her giving an inch (or 2-3 days a week in this case) without a fight.

Oprah-worthy Functionality

After 6 months on the market, my house, the one I bought all by myself 6 years ago this month, didn't even get an offer.  Not terribly surprising in this market, but we were hoping to use that money to build the if-we're-gonna-have-kids-we-gotta-have-someplace-to-put-them addition on NG's abode.  Plan B has always been renting it out, so we hooked up with a leasing agency last week.  We signed with them October 25.  On October 28 they had a leasee, who wanted to move in on November 4.  Ummmmmmmmmmm...............1/2 my stuff is still in the house and it's no where near clean.  I'm not known for my housekeeping prowess, and the FO lived there with me her whole life.   She chewed woodwork and couches and is nicknamed the Furry One for very good reason.  Its a mess, and we had less than a week to fix it.  Less than a week you say???  But October 28 to November 4 is exactly a week!  Well see, there's this life thing inbetween.  I wasn't in the office on the 28th, so I didn't get his email until the 29th, when we were leaving for the aforementioned trip to the other side of the state for NG's test.  We didn't get back until the 31st and we have these pesky job things that we do all day.  My old house is about 45m from my office, and that's TOTALLY traffic dependant.  If either NG or I leave our offices right at 4, it takes 45m.  If we leave anytime past 4:30 it takes TWO HOURS.  Insanity.  This is why I hate cities. 
So!  We spent Sunday evening packing and cleaning, Monday evening same thing, and last night same thing.  NG calls TD nightly, last night was no different, until we received a return call from TD.  NG often talks to her on speaker phone so I can participate, and she called back to find out if my niece (who she just loooooves to have over, she's 4) would like her jacket from a couple years ago.  TM chimes in from the other end (apparently also on speakerphone), greets me specifically, and says she has lots of TD's clothes and would love to have someone to give them to that she knows instead of just taking them to Goodwill. 
*crickets*  *crickets*
I was totally shocked.  That is some Oprah-worthy functionality right there.  I told her I was sure my niece's mom would love that, and thanked her.  She was totally friendly, said she'd bag them up and give them to NG next time he picks up TD. 
Funny enough, in my blog perusing yesterday I found out about this book called No One's The Bitch.  Appears to be a somewhat revolutionary concept that the bio-mom and step-mom work together for the best of the child.  That's always been my goal, and having not had an actual discussion about it, seems to be TM's.  I make an effort to always speak positively about TM, defend her when TD is complaining about her, and keep clear boundaries about what is TM's territory and what is mine. 
Case in point, a conversation TD and I had a few months ago........TD: I want deodorant, I think you should get me some.  Me: You need to talk to your mom about that.  TD: But you're going to be my mom soon.  Me: (Internal monologue: I wasn't born yesterday, TD, its way harder to manipulate me than that.  I bet your mom already said no.)  No, I'm going to be your stepmom, you have one mom, I'm not her, she makes those decisions.  TD: But I want deodorant!  Me: I don't doubt you do, I'm just saying that's not my call and you should talk to your momm  TD: *pout* Fine.
Apparently this is somewhat abnormal but is keeping TM from feeling threatned or weird about me.  Score one for the therapist.

Seriously?

For the year that I have been around, the visitation situation with TD has been flexible to the point of driving me crazy.  I'm glad TD and the ex can communicate relatively well, but I like structure.  It's hard to make plans for dinner, friends, trips, well everything when you never know if you're going to have a 9yo in tow.  I enjoy having her, it isn't that at all, but it does change what you can and can't do.  Not like you can take said 9yo to Beerfest Oktoberfest (which is coming up this weekend and I'm sooooo excited about).  You have to plan for these things, which brings me to the events of this past weekend..........
It was our weekend.  That should be the end of the conversation as far as I'm concerned.  We picked TD up from school on Friday and had a great night Friday night.  TD said she would like to pitch a tent and sleep in the front yard, which sounded like fun to me, so that's what we did.  NG's bachelor party was Saturday night, so he slept in his own bed in preparation for the long night ahead.  So it was just me and TD, in a tent, on an air mattress, in sleeping bags.  We had a ball, it was so much fun.  She's fascinated by stories of my childhood, I think because they usually involve my brother and she's an only. 
A couple days ahead of time, the ex asked NG if she could have TD for a birthday party on Saturday.  Turns out, after asking TD about it, that its the birthday of a friend of her mom's kid that TD doesn't even like.  NG tries to play nice, as his nickname would indicate, so she comes and gets her at 11 with the plan being to return her at 2.  I ran some wedding errands, came home at 2:30 to no TD.  Apparently she's being returned at 4 now.  Come 6:00p NG finally just goes to her mom's and picks her up.  In my head, this is insanity.  I needed to take TD shopping for rehersal dinner clothes and shoes for the wedding, by the time she's home and showered and stopped crying, it's after 7.  Why, you ask, was she crying?  Because the ex is an idiot. 
At what I can only assume was a time after TD was to be returned to us, her mother leaves with her friend (the mother of the birthday boy) to go shopping, leaving TD with an 11yo boy, an 8yo boy, and their dad.  Being a child therapist, hearing the stories of so many victims of child molestation, this disturbs me quite a bit, but what do I know, I'm just the step.  Anway, so mom leaves and TD asks the dad if they can go to the park.  This was a mistake on her part since she knows she's not allowed to go without an adult.  Given that mom left her with this guy who doesn't know the rules, he said yes, and off they went.  A 9yo girl with an older and a younger boy, to the park, in a city, unattended.  Awesome. 
By the time they get back, mom's home and screaming at TD.  Takes her prized video game that she had just gotten that day, and sends her back to us sobbing.  Super. 
This is the end, theoretically, of the interrupted weekends.  Its something ridiculous like the 4th visit in a row that mom has found some reason she HAS TO HAVE TD to do something.  Like seeing a play that was in town for 3 weeks, that was last time.  Seriously?  Maybe that's what happens when your 9yo daughter is your best friend.