The next chapter

Here we are.  The wedding's over and life has begun.  Normal is a figment of everyone's imagination, so instead of striving for "normal" I'm just going for happily functional. 

The wedding went off without a (noticeable to anyone but me) hitch and we had a wonderful time.  The weather was beautiful, the food was good, the wine was tasty, and everyone had a blast including us.

Now we're onto life.........trying to get my house cleaned and rented (since selling it didn't go far at all), trying to build an addition to NG's house, homework, jobs, NG's big test this weekend, friends, and trying not to get fat.  We've settled into something that kind of qualifies as a routine, even though the visitation schedule is anything but regular.  TD and I decided one night that she and I are just along for the ride at this point, which was a nice bonding moment for us.  She really enjoys introducing me to her teachers and others as her stepmom, and they have all apparently been hearing about me for quite a while.  Her teacher mistook me for her mom the other day (we look nothing alike, but adult woman with 9yo = mom to most people) and seemed to be surprised when I didn't freak out. 
TD has taken to telling me she loves me, which warms my heart to no end.  I can't help but wonder if she'll ever figure out she's not even supposed to like me. 

I've never been happier, it's truly amazing to me that I've been handed this little family.  In 14 months I got a husband, a kiddo, a new job, a new house, and a new town.  There are times when it all smacks me in the face and I wonder how I got here, then there are times when it seems like it's always been this way.

In amusing-because-I'm-a-therapist news, TD declared the other night that her mom (who needs a nickname, by the way, if anyone has a good one) will be going to college with her.  Not kidding.  TD understands the arrangement to be that she will decide where to go and mom will move to that town.  This, according to TD, has always been the plan and is because Mom isn't going to get remarried and "likes it just us".  So clearly Mom missed the chapter on differentiation.  Not just a theory folks. 

So we're off to the other side of the state this evening, Hubs is taking a big exam tomorrow.  Chances are good that he won't pass, and we're okay with that, we've decided it's practice.  Part of our book is going to be moving to my hometown when TD is getting out of high school, and to do that with any level of financial stability, he's going to have to get this certain license for his profession.  It's a bitch of a test, so we're giving him about 7 years to pass it.  Ha! 

Dum...dum....da...dummm.............

Well the week has finally arrived.  We started packing last night, the to-do list is down to it's last to-dos, and I'm fielding about 100 questions a day.  I know when all the family and bridal party are arriving from out-of-town, when the caterer is coming, when the dj is coming, what shoes and clothes everyone is wearing, how many chairs are going where, what the kids are eating, who's watching them, when my dye-job-gone-wrong hair is getting fixed, what we're eating and drinking, who's serving it, and somewhere in there I'm figuring out where I'm supposed to be and how I'm getting to and fro.  I also now clearly know why people elope. 

I'm a little neurotic.  This is not new information.  My neurosis is only increased by people like the tuxedo rental guy (the grown-up guys are wearing suits, we're only renting vests and ties for the little guys) fail to put in the order and I only find out because I double-checked.  Score one for the neurotic double-checking bride. 

I'm excited to be getting married, leaving the single life behind does not evoke feelings of grief or entrapment for me like it does some.  I enjoyed it enough to bid it a fond farewell, and hated it enough not to miss it even a little.  I'm very much in love with NG, I love and enjoy (most of the time) TD, and I'm looking forward to expanding our family and growing old together. 

I'm sure it will be an adventure.  It already has been and I don't see that changing.  TD will be a teenager before we know it, and I can't see that going smoothly.  I was a relatively easy teenager, I had nice friends, I never even required a curfew, so I'm not sure I'm prepared for having a teenage girl.  I have a lot of child-rearing knowledge, but putting it into practice when you only have (at best) 20% influence (we have her 40% of the time, I'm 1/2 of the couple), is a whole different story.  So we'll see.  Regardless, I'm sure we'll get through it.  It may not always be fun, but we're prone to laughing at ridiculousness, so hopefully our 50th anniversary will find us laughing in our rocking chairs and TD and her kids wondering what the hell we're laughing at. 

Being a Guest

I was told last night that I am, in TD's opinion, a guest.  No kidding.  Over a year, much time and effort on my part, and this is what I get.  At least this is how it sounded initially, and I'm not yet totally convinced this isn't her thought/wish/perspective.  

We were all sitting on the couch, laughing and playing following an impressive pouting episode over dessert. Food, eating, what's for dinner, dessert, "yes you need to eat", etc are all common catalysts for pouting episodes in our house.  They are impressive in both their intensity and their duration.  TD doesn't like anything that doesn't come from McDonalds or another restaurant. We don't eat out much, hence the pouting. So there we are, recovered from the pouting, and having fun.  She decided this was a great time to tickle me, we're laughing, being silly, and NG smacks her on the butt (playing).  She says something to the effect of "no butt smacking in front of the guest".

Now I ignored it the first time, tried to laugh it off, and then she said it again.  And again.  And perhaps another time.  As this went on, I literally withdrew.  My heart was broken.  After all of my effort and things going well, I'm relegated to the role of houseguest.  I moved to the other end of the couch, got my laptop, and disengaged.  Think turtle in shell.  NG, being the sweet and tuned-in guy he is, says "Whatcha doin all the way over there??" to which I replied "This is where guests sit."

TD looks at me with this odd expression on her face, NG does not look pleased, and I'm just trying not to cry.  All I could think was "Here we go.  A week and a half before the wedding and she's decided I'm disposable.  This is the shoe dropping I've been waiting for.  She's going to flip out at the wedding, her mother's going to encourage her hating me, and NGs going to be caught in the middle.  Guess who loses when that happens?  Me."  It was not a pretty mental picture. 

Then I started to think about my boss.  I know that sounds weird, but she has daughters my age and very healthy relationships with them, and they're healthy because they talk.  If someone's upset, they talk about it, when bad things happen, they talk about it, if someone's feelings are hurt, they talk about it.  That's new for me, my family didn't do that.  In an effort to be healthier, I said "TD when you called me a guest that really hurt my feelings and made me feel like you don't want me here."  Then SHE started crying and went to her room.  The kid part of me thought "Why does she get to cry when I'M the one with the hurt feelings??????  That's SO not fair!"

NG gave her a minute then went in to talk to her.  He reiterated that we're getting married next week, and if something's wrong, she needs to talk to us about it.  I just stayed put, I didn't know what else to do.  I tried to talk to her after he did and she wouldn't talk to me.  About 30m later she came in to our room where I was folding laundry (even in the midst of drama, laundry has to be done) and gave me a huge hug with big fat tears.  She said she was sorry, she didn't mean it the way it sounded, and that she's glad I'm here.  I told her I wasn't going anywhere, in a good way, and I was thanked her for her apology.    I told her I loved her, and later when she was in bed she called "good night (me), I love you!".  Very sweet.  

I imagine in the long run that will be a defining moment for our family and our relationship.  In processing it over the day, I think it was a test.  Or a pop quiz since it didn't appear pre-meditated or contrived.  I think I passed, and we passed as a family.  It was a big test for me, that's for sure.  I'm prone to not addressing things, my family is one to ignore and let things fester, so it was a really big deal for me to tell a 9yo that she hurt my feelings, to address it on the spot then process it with NG later.  He was impressed with my reaction, I thought he did a fine job talking to her and backing me up (simultaneously), and all is almost right with the world again.  It's going to take me a couple of days to fully recover from that one, it hit me pretty hard.  Getting married after you've lost your mom, even if it was 9 years ago, is hard.  Getting shit from a 9yo doesn't help that.   My threshold for emotional situations isn't exactly at it's highest.



Seriously?

For the year that I have been around, the visitation situation with TD has been flexible to the point of driving me crazy.  I'm glad TD and the ex can communicate relatively well, but I like structure.  It's hard to make plans for dinner, friends, trips, well everything when you never know if you're going to have a 9yo in tow.  I enjoy having her, it isn't that at all, but it does change what you can and can't do.  Not like you can take said 9yo to Beerfest Oktoberfest (which is coming up this weekend and I'm sooooo excited about).  You have to plan for these things, which brings me to the events of this past weekend..........
It was our weekend.  That should be the end of the conversation as far as I'm concerned.  We picked TD up from school on Friday and had a great night Friday night.  TD said she would like to pitch a tent and sleep in the front yard, which sounded like fun to me, so that's what we did.  NG's bachelor party was Saturday night, so he slept in his own bed in preparation for the long night ahead.  So it was just me and TD, in a tent, on an air mattress, in sleeping bags.  We had a ball, it was so much fun.  She's fascinated by stories of my childhood, I think because they usually involve my brother and she's an only. 
A couple days ahead of time, the ex asked NG if she could have TD for a birthday party on Saturday.  Turns out, after asking TD about it, that its the birthday of a friend of her mom's kid that TD doesn't even like.  NG tries to play nice, as his nickname would indicate, so she comes and gets her at 11 with the plan being to return her at 2.  I ran some wedding errands, came home at 2:30 to no TD.  Apparently she's being returned at 4 now.  Come 6:00p NG finally just goes to her mom's and picks her up.  In my head, this is insanity.  I needed to take TD shopping for rehersal dinner clothes and shoes for the wedding, by the time she's home and showered and stopped crying, it's after 7.  Why, you ask, was she crying?  Because the ex is an idiot. 
At what I can only assume was a time after TD was to be returned to us, her mother leaves with her friend (the mother of the birthday boy) to go shopping, leaving TD with an 11yo boy, an 8yo boy, and their dad.  Being a child therapist, hearing the stories of so many victims of child molestation, this disturbs me quite a bit, but what do I know, I'm just the step.  Anway, so mom leaves and TD asks the dad if they can go to the park.  This was a mistake on her part since she knows she's not allowed to go without an adult.  Given that mom left her with this guy who doesn't know the rules, he said yes, and off they went.  A 9yo girl with an older and a younger boy, to the park, in a city, unattended.  Awesome. 
By the time they get back, mom's home and screaming at TD.  Takes her prized video game that she had just gotten that day, and sends her back to us sobbing.  Super. 
This is the end, theoretically, of the interrupted weekends.  Its something ridiculous like the 4th visit in a row that mom has found some reason she HAS TO HAVE TD to do something.  Like seeing a play that was in town for 3 weeks, that was last time.  Seriously?  Maybe that's what happens when your 9yo daughter is your best friend.

Another long time.........

.......no post.  It's been 9 months since my last post, or so says Blogspot, and that is really unacceptable.  Quite a bit has happened in that time, but I'll just hit the highlights.  First and foremost, NG and I got engaged on April 10 and will be getting married October 2.  That's partially why I haven't been blogging, wedding planning is a real bitch sometimes.  Also need a new name for my blog since he quit hiding........I'm taking suggestions!
The whole step parenting thing is quite an adventure, as several of you well know.  TD is mostly doing well.  She's pretty spoiled, being an only and having a pretty indulgent mom, but once she gets settled in with us she does really well the majority of the time.  She usually has some kind of inappropriate behavior right about the time she comes and right about the time she's leaving.  Transitions are so hard, I wish we could have her a week on and a week off to make it easier for everyone.  Check out the crazy visitation schedule: if we have her the upcoming weekend, we have her on Wednesday night.  If we don't have her that coming weekend, we have her on Tuesday and Wednesday nights or sometimes Wednesday and Thursday, depending on the whims of mom and whatever extracurricular she has that night.  Currently she has extracurriculars EVERY NIGHT BUT WEDNESDAY.  Seriously. 
I definitely have some concerns about her, nothing terribly odd right now but things I wonder about how they'll look when she's 16.......she has some seriously picky eating behaviors and sometimes just won't eat all day if she's not given what she wants, she paints her fingernails black, wants a tattoo on her lower back (aka a tramp stamp), and she dropped the f bomb a few weeks ago over her Webkins.  The last one was really just funny and hasn't happened again.  The eating thing makes me worry about her developing anorexia.  The mini-goth thing?  Guess we'll just wait and see.
NG is as wonderful today as he was when I last wrote.  Caring, thoughtful, sweet, and wonderful.  I'm excited to marry him and excited for our life together, even if we end up with an anorexic goth for a teenager.

So that's the update for now.  I'll catch up on more details from the last few months as I go along.  It won't be that long again!

Conflicted Much???

Not me, but TD.  One minute she wants to help me plan the wedding, the next she's apparently telling her mom that her dad doesn't love her anymore because he spends time with me.  Aaargh.

My pipes froze this past weekend.  I was very irritated and pretty much at a loss about what to do.  I tell NG and he has all kinds of ideas and gets all excited to come fix it.  What a hoot he is sometimes......give the man a reason to go to Lowes and he's like a kid in a candy store.  He comes over, TD in tow (his weekend), with heat tape (didn't know that existed) and insulation.  Turns out the freezing was actually in my well.  It doesn't usually get this cold here, it's been in the teens and single digits at night and not above freezing during the day for over a week.  Brrrrr.  My house was clearly not built for this.  So NG comes over and while he's outside, TD and I had some time together.  We made cookies, went to Wendy's for take-out, and generally just palled around.  It was really fun!  She wanted to know when we're getting married, asked twice, and when I told her we would let her know, she said she needed to know soon because she had plans to make.  She said she needed to find flowers, "people to come", "you need a dress!!!", and "tables and chairs and stuff".  She was cracking us up.  She wanted to know how many babies we were going to have and, as we're making cookies, how I would be splitting up the batter eating ("can I have the bowl and give the little kids the beaters??").

And then it changed.  Apparently.  NG gets an email from BM, saying she's concerned about his relationship with TD and would like to talk to him about it.  TD is telling her she doesn't want to come visit, that her dad doesn't love her, and that she's scared of him.  All of this is BRAND NEW INFORMATION to NG and me.  I was, however, very impressed with her email.  It was very rational and constructive, as was (apparently) their conversation this morning.  BM told her that her dad loves her very much, and that she is going to have to learn to share her parents with other people.  I was AMAZED at her support of our relationship, and really very impressed, particularly in light of the fact that she is not dating!  She doesn't have a dog in that fight right now, as the saying goes, and could have totally fed that insecure feeling in TD.  As far as TD being scared of NG, once they talked about it, it sounded more like NG needing to learn some more creative parenting skills and stop yelling.  Handy that he's dating a family therapist, I used to teach that!  My understanding is that yelling and threatening were primary techniques in his family growing up, and he's really interested in learning some alternate techniques.  I started talking about timers and sticker charts and went on and on and on.  I love that stuff!

Next obstacle?  NG wants to have TD 1/2 time, equal to the time her mom has her.  It was actually my idea.......I think part of TD's issue right now is a lack of consistency.  As I've complained about discussed  before, the custody thing changes quickly and without warning.  It's hard for me, and I'm a grown up.  Having two sets of rules with two parents and not knowing when you're staying where is going to take a toll on an 8yo.  If they alternate weeks, things will be more consistent for TD in the long term.  At least that's what I think.  Selfishly, it will also be more consistent for me in the short term!  Everybody wins!  BM's initial reaction was "but I'll miss her!!!", to which NG said "ummm.....do you think I don't miss her??"  So we'll see.

All continues to be well though.  NG and I continue to be very much in love and planning a future.  I did NOT get a ring for Christmas, as had occurred to me, but it continues to be a topic of conversation.  He still wants to get married this Fall, to which I say tick tock, NG, tick tock.

Long time....

....no blog!  Been super duper busy.  I'm staying at NG's quite a bit since it's so much closer to my new job.  I stay there whenever TD isn't there for the most part.  It's great to be closer to work, the living out of a bag situation is getting kind of ridiculous.  I just keep losing stuff!!  I'll think I brought it, but then it's nowhere to be found.  I've been watching my niece and nephew some at their house, to add to the insanity, so now I've forgotten stuff at their house, NG's house, AND my house.   I now have bottles of contact solution at all three houses.  I've been pretty frustrated with the whole situation.
Then last week, out of nowhere, NG starts talking about "not rushing into anything", complete with references to the ex-wife.  The whole rambling, mumbling tangent tripped every abandonment trigger I have and I immediately emotionally backed up.  I told him that it bothered me, he tried to explain that it isn't me, but that he's concerned about starting a family on his current income.  Understandable, but holy God don't start a conversation about money with indications that you're running away as fast as you can!!!!!!
To add to the lingering doubt from that little situation, last night I got an email from my step mother, telling me that she and my dad are making some (sound like fun wish I could go) plans for the Spring and "are you making any big plans we should plan around".   I thought it was very sweet of her to ask, and I showed my response to NG.  I told her that we didn't have any plans for the Spring and that, since I'm not currently sporting anything sparkly, I didn't expect any "big plans" until at least Fall.  When NG read that, he gave me a funny look.  I, of course, took that look to mean "don't hold your breath for Fall" and began the second flip out in two weeks.  God bless my sister-in-law for listening to me whine and catastrophize, then being very reasonable and sane.  Tonight I talked to NG and learned that getting married in the Fall is exactly what he's thinking and wherever did I get the idea that it wasn't???  Ummmm.....from my own paranoid head?  Yeah, guess so.  *sigh*  Maybe one day I'll actually believe that he isn't going anywhere.
As far as TD goes, all is quiet.  I stayed at NG's house with her there Saturday night, which I never do.  It was 32 degrees and raining, which is just sketchy particularly in my car, so I slept on the couch with my puppy and life was good.  Just to be clear, NG offered to let me take the bed, but he hadn't slept well the night before so I insisted on the couch.  Chivalry isn't dead.  :-)
A few weeks ago she got pretty mouthy with me, but responded well when I set a limit.  The consistent message is that she's going to be respectful, and that's not negotiable.  After that she's been just fine.  She gets jealous, literally squeezes in between us sometimes, but that seems very normal to me for her age.  She told me Saturday, as she's told me before, that her dad has been much nicer since I've been around.  I asked her if she knew why that was, which she didn't, so I told her it's because we make each other so happy.  Happy dads are nice dads!  She thought that sounded pretty reasonable.
NG and I are headed to my dad and stepmom's house this weekend for our family Christmas party.  It should be a lot of fun, and he really enjoys being there.  He wants to move there, which means more to me than I can really express, and just wants to try to wait for TD to graduate high school before we do.  I have never been with someone who wants to live there with me, it's amazing.