Nothing and everything...........

That's my answer these days when people ask "What's going on?"  Nothing.....nothing that looks particularly busy, just regular family life.........and everything.....adjusting to married life, figuring out how to finance and build an addition to the house, exploring pregnancy and childbirth options (no, not preggers, just planning), Thanksgiving trip 10 hours to NY followed by our honeymoon followed by Christmas, you know EVERYTHING. 
How do you finance an addition when you don't have any equity?  How do you start a family when you have two bedrooms, both of which are occupied?  How do you have a conversation about any of these things when the walls have ears???  And when did birth become so freakin' complicated?  MD, C-section, epidural, episiotomy, midwife, doula, hospital, home, something called Hypnobabies.....enough to make my head spin and we're not even close to being there yet, especially given the aforementioned housing situation. 
The tenants moved into my house and found termites, so that's an exciting and new way to spend lots of money.  The tenant is an exterminator. 
My car is being refinanced, the trash people stopped picking up the trash, TD cheats at board games because she doesn't have sibilings who will pummel her for it, the tooth fairy forgot to come, I have an eye infection and am fighting bronchitis, car and house insurances need to be combined, NG's health insurance card hasn't come yet, and the oil change guys forgot to reset my sensor.  Oh, and we're out of mlk.   Then there's these pesky job things we have.  Love mine, NG needs a new one so add job hunting to the list. 
I'm so very thankful that I married NG or this would just be too much, he's super supportive and gets that I'm a tick overwhelmed.  So when I'm snippy, he just pats me and asks what he can do to help.
The honeymoon is the sanity inbetween.  A week in St. Lucia, where it will be warm and sunny and a cabana boy will bring me drinks at my whim.  Yes please. 

Busy busy busy

Married life sure is off to a running start.  First NG's test, then getting my house emptied and clean for renters, now getting finances settled and getting NG's house family-ready.  It's a 1960s ranch, and everything is original.  That's a good thing when it comes to floors, not such a good thing when it comes to windows and the fact that they apparently didn't believe in insulation.  So yesterday, we bought and entire pallet of insulation at Lowe's.  They had to bring the forklift out to get it (fascinating process by the way).  We got goggles and respirators, dressed in nasty clothes and under the house we went.  I looked way less cute than the girl in the picture above.  NG, being the handy guy he is, has a pair of coveralls.  They're green.  He looks like Gumby and it actually makes me giggle every time he puts them on.  I'm not a big fan of crawlspaces or respirators, but it's not really fair for NG to do all the dirty work just because he's a guy.  I'm sure there are women out there who would pull the girl card and refuse to go under the house, frankly I think it surprised NG that I got under there with him, I just refuse to be that girl.  I will sometimes request that he kill bugs, only because I don't like to hear them crunch, but 9 times out of 10 I kill my own.  I'm not a dependent sort of woman, and I want TD  to see that being prissy and dependent is optional. 
Tangent aside, I'm keeping my handywoman persona close by.  We have windows to put in and an addition to build.  The economy being what it is, we're totally in DIY territory.  How much of an addition we build depends on the banks and a horrible thing called negative equity.  We'd like to have children before we're both too old to chase them, but the two bedroom two bath thing isn't going to cut it with a 40% kiddo on board.
Speaking of 40%, looks like we may be well on our way to 50%.  TM and NG decided to discuss it after the holidays, which seems totally logical since this time of year is a lot of back and forth anyway.  When NG broached the topic, her first statement was "changing child support isn't in my budget".  Hmmmm........so its about your budget and how much you would miss her (the excuse from last time they talked about this), does it matter what TD wants or is it about you and your needs?  Not that I'm totally self-less, mind you, but seriously?
Being the bright kid she is, TD has come up with her own new visitation schedule.  Right now, she is with us one night a week when she's with us that weekend, and two nights a week when she isn't.  It confused the hell out of me for a long time, but I'm finally, a whole year later getting used to it.  She wants to add a day to both of those.  Bright kid.  So she would be with us 2 days on the weeks she's with us that weekend, and 3 days on the weeks she is not with us that weekend.  What she doesn't understand, and hopefully won't for many years, is that if that happens her mother loses child support.  2+3+2(weekend)= 7 nights every 14 days = half time.  NG thinks he'll still have to pay, he's pretty pessimistic about the money part since it's been biting him in the butt for years now, but based on my rough calculations with the child support calculator, she may end up giving him money.  Now isn't that just a kick in the ass.

But I haven't even had my coffee!!!!!

It was a regular morning in our house.  Alarm went off early, snooze button and snuggling as is our routine.  NG woke TD up, assisted by the FO of course, and headed off for work.  We try to take turns taking her to school since it makes us both late for work, and he took her yesterday.  I like taking her, it's fun time for us to be together just us, and we have some fun traditions around it now, like watching Sunrise Earth on Discovery.  Love it. 

So I'm packing (going out of town this afternoon) and getting myself ready for work and here comes TD out of bed, sobbing.  Big tears. 

TD is not a drama cryer.  She does occasionally cry when she gets in trouble, but it's usually because her feelings are actually hurt or she feels really badly about what she did.  She doesn't cry to get out of trouble as far as I can tell.  Plus she wasn't even in trouble, she wasn't even out of bed yet, so I knew something was wrong.  She sobbed.....and she sobbed......and she sobbed......just heart breaking.  And I haven't even had my coffee.  There should be a rule about tears before coffee. 

I just sat with her and patted her until she could talk, and all she could get out was "I miss Daddy."  Even without my coffee, I knew she didn't mean in the present.  She misses her Daddy in general.  So I asked if she would like to be at our house more.  I didn't know if I should even go there, but she was so sincerely sad.  She said she would, and we talked about letting her dad and mom handle it.  I've heard NG tell her that if she wants to spend more time with us she should tell her mom.  I don't think that's appropriate, she's a kid, and that's grown-up stuff.  How on earth could we expect her to tell her mom she wants to spend LESS time with her?  Unfair. 
So we agreed that I would tell her dad, and she and her dad would talk about it, and he would talk to her mom.  I'm sure she and her mom will talk about it, and I think that's appropriate, I just don't think she should have to initiate the conversation and she doesn't want to.  We talked about different families having different schedules, how some do a week at a time (I'm a big fan of that I think, fewer transitions, more consistency), and some do as little as every other weekend.  I told her we would figure out what works for our family.
When I told NG about it, he was very happy (obviously).  He's going to talk to TD about it tonight.  He's had this conversation with TM before, and when more time with him comes up she says she won't do it because she would miss TD.  Ummmm....because NG doesn't miss her?  Come on.  We'll see what happens, I'm not holding my breath.  TM's whole life revolves around TD, I don't see her giving an inch (or 2-3 days a week in this case) without a fight.

Phew!

What a marathon this week has been.  And it's only Wednesday.  Yesterday we spent alllllll evening and into the night cleaning out my house and getting it ready for the renters to move in Thursday.  What a huge chore.  Thankfully, I have great friends and a great husband, or I would probably still be there.  Well....if I didn't have the husband I'd still be living there and we wouldn't be having this conversation, but you get the point. 
We scrubbed floors, baseboards, tubs, sinks, toilets, EVERYTHING.  Hubs fixed the broken closet door track, which took some ingenuity since they have apparently stopped making the kind that was already there.  I mean seriously people, do we have to have innovations in such things????  Whatever.  Luckily he's handy and smart and got the job done.  I replaced flappers in toilets, cleaned bird poo off the porch, and ate dinner sitting on the floor. 
It was sad leaving my house.  It was MY house.  All mine, independently, with my stuff and my gardens.  I worked hard on that house!  I love my new chapter, and it's hard to close the other one.  I think that's allowed, right?

Oprah-worthy Functionality

After 6 months on the market, my house, the one I bought all by myself 6 years ago this month, didn't even get an offer.  Not terribly surprising in this market, but we were hoping to use that money to build the if-we're-gonna-have-kids-we-gotta-have-someplace-to-put-them addition on NG's abode.  Plan B has always been renting it out, so we hooked up with a leasing agency last week.  We signed with them October 25.  On October 28 they had a leasee, who wanted to move in on November 4.  Ummmmmmmmmmm...............1/2 my stuff is still in the house and it's no where near clean.  I'm not known for my housekeeping prowess, and the FO lived there with me her whole life.   She chewed woodwork and couches and is nicknamed the Furry One for very good reason.  Its a mess, and we had less than a week to fix it.  Less than a week you say???  But October 28 to November 4 is exactly a week!  Well see, there's this life thing inbetween.  I wasn't in the office on the 28th, so I didn't get his email until the 29th, when we were leaving for the aforementioned trip to the other side of the state for NG's test.  We didn't get back until the 31st and we have these pesky job things that we do all day.  My old house is about 45m from my office, and that's TOTALLY traffic dependant.  If either NG or I leave our offices right at 4, it takes 45m.  If we leave anytime past 4:30 it takes TWO HOURS.  Insanity.  This is why I hate cities. 
So!  We spent Sunday evening packing and cleaning, Monday evening same thing, and last night same thing.  NG calls TD nightly, last night was no different, until we received a return call from TD.  NG often talks to her on speaker phone so I can participate, and she called back to find out if my niece (who she just loooooves to have over, she's 4) would like her jacket from a couple years ago.  TM chimes in from the other end (apparently also on speakerphone), greets me specifically, and says she has lots of TD's clothes and would love to have someone to give them to that she knows instead of just taking them to Goodwill. 
*crickets*  *crickets*
I was totally shocked.  That is some Oprah-worthy functionality right there.  I told her I was sure my niece's mom would love that, and thanked her.  She was totally friendly, said she'd bag them up and give them to NG next time he picks up TD. 
Funny enough, in my blog perusing yesterday I found out about this book called No One's The Bitch.  Appears to be a somewhat revolutionary concept that the bio-mom and step-mom work together for the best of the child.  That's always been my goal, and having not had an actual discussion about it, seems to be TM's.  I make an effort to always speak positively about TM, defend her when TD is complaining about her, and keep clear boundaries about what is TM's territory and what is mine. 
Case in point, a conversation TD and I had a few months ago........TD: I want deodorant, I think you should get me some.  Me: You need to talk to your mom about that.  TD: But you're going to be my mom soon.  Me: (Internal monologue: I wasn't born yesterday, TD, its way harder to manipulate me than that.  I bet your mom already said no.)  No, I'm going to be your stepmom, you have one mom, I'm not her, she makes those decisions.  TD: But I want deodorant!  Me: I don't doubt you do, I'm just saying that's not my call and you should talk to your momm  TD: *pout* Fine.
Apparently this is somewhat abnormal but is keeping TM from feeling threatned or weird about me.  Score one for the therapist.

Musings on Families

Sometimes being a family therapist isn't something I can turn off. Luckily, there are lots of times when I notice really great things about families because of the way I watch when I don't even know I'm doing it. Case in point, we spent this weekend with one of my dearest friends who is currently living on the other side of my fair state. This is the closest she's lived to me in YEARS since she's married to (and was in) the Air Force. They have two wee boys, 3y and 5mo old. {As a catty sidenote, 5mo post baby and her jeans are way smaller than mine. Harumph.} We went running Saturday morning, all 5 of us, in their neighborhood.......3 adults, two strollers, must have been quite a sight. It was really fun, and shocking for me since I could actually keep up. Truth be told I could have kept going, which was even more shocking since I don't consider myself to be in very good shape. My clothes from before I met NG don't even consider going over my hips, its really sad to have 1/2 a wardrobe.

Anyway, tangent aside, at the end of our run the 3yo, well, wasn't done! He wanted to stay outside and keep running! When you're 3 and you aren't actually running, it's super fun to snuggle up under a blanket and get pushed around the neighborhood on a beautiful morning! Who would want that to end??? According to his wonderful mother, he had a horrible and very embarassing tantrum. I totally missed it and I was standing right there. What I saw was an upset little boy ("Wipe my tears please Mommy") with two validating and consistent parents who set limits. Shocking. Who knew???? He was sad, it was okay that he was sad, and we were still going inside. Dry it up, end of story, "tantrum" over.

In the meantime, I get to watch a dad who feeds and diapers and participates in parenting. This is not always the case, not always the case in my own family, and I love to see this! Especially when Mom stays home, I've seen so much "well you have your job and I have mine", its really refreshing to see some participation. I feel very sure NG is going to be the participatory kind, especially seeing how he reacts to the opposite.
So these are my musings. Funny enough, they have nothing to do with steps and fulls and halves and whatnot. Families are families, they all look different, they all have "issues", and onward we go.

The Crack of Dawn

I just figured out I can blog from my phone. I have one of those mini-computer phones, the kind that's really just ridiculous to call a phone since calling people on it is the thing you do the least. I'm a bit of a geek like that, I'd rather text than call and I get a kick out of googling random things.
So why am I up blogging at 6am on a Saturday? Can't get back to sleep. I never really can if I wake up after about 5 am. NG left for his test a few minutes ago after a very fitful night of sleep for both of us. I think I checked the aforementioned phone 8 times during the night afraid we'd oversleep. We set two alarms and are staying with (one of my dearest) friends who has a 5 month old baby. Realistically, oversleeping wasn't going to happen regardless. I had dreams about his test all night and when he was up at 5, I was up with him.
I got to share in the joy of a great report card yesterday, 4 A's and a high B! Its so awesome to share these things, to get to be part of a family, its hard for me to wrap my head around all I've been given sometimes. I've always wanted a family. It never occurred to me this is what it would look like, but as time goes on and I get more settled into it, it feels very normal. So what does TD want as a reward for such hard work? Chapter books. I'm so excited that reading is fun for her. What's funny is that she's reading some of the same ones I read at her age, and that shocks her.
As a sidenote, the conversation about the report card yesterday took place almost entirely on speaker phone. I have to wonder how her mom feels hearing me on the other end of the phone and having her daughter tell me she loves me.
Just a little insight into what goes through my head at the crack of dawn. Its still dark out. I love being a morning person.