Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Always Second

Some days, rarely really, it occurs to me that I will never have a first with NG.  I'm not his first wife, wasn't his first wedding, won't be having his first baby, etc.  Yesterday I just about came unhinged over the first baby thing.  It was odd, really, that I got so upset.  I hadn't exercised in a few days and I think the lack of happy brain chemicals contributed to the problem.  I learned the other night that he has already attended birthing classes, and that was kind of the light bulb moment, or the opposite really, like someone hit the breaker and it all went dark.  I have been researching birth options, have been getting all excited about having a baby and being a family, and then WHAM, I realized this is old hat to him.  I got annoyed with him because he wasn't as excited as I was, then I realized why......it's just not new to him like it is to me.  He's been there, done that, got the tee shirt.  The tee shirt comes over 3 or 4 days a week, this shouldn't be news to me, but somehow it was suddenly very real and very very sad.  I told him about it last night, once I could put words to it.  He made a joke and that was that.  Knowing him, he just didn't know what to say, will ponder it and come out with something brilliant and loving in a couple of days.  It's not his issue to fix, though, it's mine, and somehow I have to reconcile it in my brain.  Exercising this morning helped, going to work today will help, and somehow I'll wrap my brain around it.

6 comments:

  1. UnknownJanuary 18, 2011 at 5:07 AM

    Hang in there, Courtney. The emotions you are feeling are pretty normal for a new 2nd wife. It's natural to compare yourself to the ex, to feel like you missed out on sharing important "firsts" with your husband. Just try to remember that he's with YOU for a reason, and forgive him for not being able to change the past. What's done is done. So what if he's been to childbirth classes before? He hasn't done it with YOU. That makes all the difference in the world.

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  2. RachJanuary 18, 2011 at 5:19 AM

    I wish there were some way I could help you with this. :oS Alas, once again, I'm useless as you are in territory I've never walked. I'm so sorry.

    Get those happy endorphins a pumping, and maybe that will help...

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  3. AmyJanuary 18, 2011 at 6:15 AM

    When you get pregnant, he'll be just as excited about the birth of this baby as you are. I have 5 of the monsters, doing it once (or 4 times) didn't make it any less exciting by the time I got to 5. Each time - you're creating a miracle.

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  4. Pretend MommyJanuary 18, 2011 at 6:35 AM

    My husband was excited about my pregnancy and it was his fourth child. I was worried about the same things. I think now that our little boy is here he is excited about being a father again. He doesn't have to fight for equal time, be questioned on everything he does, and he gets to wake up every morning with him, a luxury he does not have with the other kids. I may not be the first mother but I am his wife and that is oh so much better.

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  5. Eyes Wide OpenJanuary 20, 2011 at 6:02 AM

    Oh I am so hearing you! What I have to tell myself is that my husband did not knock up his ex to hurt me. It wasn't a malicious thing to did to make me feel bad. In fact, it hurts him more than me, I think. Of course, with each miscarriage those old feelings come back and bite me hard, but I just have to remember that his past wasn't a conscious decision to make my life miserable (although sometimes it feels like it!). I like your idea of exercising...that is the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes. I only let myself think the poisonous thoughts that the gym and get them out, then I go home and enjoy my family.
    I wish you the best on your journey TTC; once you see that little heartbeat flickering away none of the bullshit with matter anymore. Your life will be changed forever, for the better.
    x

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  6. Mama Bear with Training wheelsJanuary 23, 2011 at 12:14 AM

    I so hear you, and agree with what everyone else is saying, breathe and move through it, just move on or it'll frustrate you even more.

    I was thinking of that too....I ask questions sometimes about his wedding and wonder if we ever will go there, and what it will mean to him, I'm right now comforted seeing him with his little girl but i do wonder quite selfishly if we had one, would it be as exciting etc....so you're not the only one in the boat there. hugs

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