Long time....

....no blog!  Been super duper busy.  I'm staying at NG's quite a bit since it's so much closer to my new job.  I stay there whenever TD isn't there for the most part.  It's great to be closer to work, the living out of a bag situation is getting kind of ridiculous.  I just keep losing stuff!!  I'll think I brought it, but then it's nowhere to be found.  I've been watching my niece and nephew some at their house, to add to the insanity, so now I've forgotten stuff at their house, NG's house, AND my house.   I now have bottles of contact solution at all three houses.  I've been pretty frustrated with the whole situation.
Then last week, out of nowhere, NG starts talking about "not rushing into anything", complete with references to the ex-wife.  The whole rambling, mumbling tangent tripped every abandonment trigger I have and I immediately emotionally backed up.  I told him that it bothered me, he tried to explain that it isn't me, but that he's concerned about starting a family on his current income.  Understandable, but holy God don't start a conversation about money with indications that you're running away as fast as you can!!!!!!
To add to the lingering doubt from that little situation, last night I got an email from my step mother, telling me that she and my dad are making some (sound like fun wish I could go) plans for the Spring and "are you making any big plans we should plan around".   I thought it was very sweet of her to ask, and I showed my response to NG.  I told her that we didn't have any plans for the Spring and that, since I'm not currently sporting anything sparkly, I didn't expect any "big plans" until at least Fall.  When NG read that, he gave me a funny look.  I, of course, took that look to mean "don't hold your breath for Fall" and began the second flip out in two weeks.  God bless my sister-in-law for listening to me whine and catastrophize, then being very reasonable and sane.  Tonight I talked to NG and learned that getting married in the Fall is exactly what he's thinking and wherever did I get the idea that it wasn't???  Ummmm.....from my own paranoid head?  Yeah, guess so.  *sigh*  Maybe one day I'll actually believe that he isn't going anywhere.
As far as TD goes, all is quiet.  I stayed at NG's house with her there Saturday night, which I never do.  It was 32 degrees and raining, which is just sketchy particularly in my car, so I slept on the couch with my puppy and life was good.  Just to be clear, NG offered to let me take the bed, but he hadn't slept well the night before so I insisted on the couch.  Chivalry isn't dead.  :-)
A few weeks ago she got pretty mouthy with me, but responded well when I set a limit.  The consistent message is that she's going to be respectful, and that's not negotiable.  After that she's been just fine.  She gets jealous, literally squeezes in between us sometimes, but that seems very normal to me for her age.  She told me Saturday, as she's told me before, that her dad has been much nicer since I've been around.  I asked her if she knew why that was, which she didn't, so I told her it's because we make each other so happy.  Happy dads are nice dads!  She thought that sounded pretty reasonable.
NG and I are headed to my dad and stepmom's house this weekend for our family Christmas party.  It should be a lot of fun, and he really enjoys being there.  He wants to move there, which means more to me than I can really express, and just wants to try to wait for TD to graduate high school before we do.  I have never been with someone who wants to live there with me, it's amazing.

"I already have a mom..........

.......and I don't have to listen to her!" 
And so it begins.  We'd be skating along pretty well up until this point, a little pushback from the ex, but no major shenanigans.  When NG picked TD up last week, this is what he got.  Being the guy he is, he immediately tells her that yes, she does in fact have to listen to me, and that we're clear that she already has a mom.  He sent me a text to apprise me of the situation, good collaborator that he is, and gave her the 'no one is trying to replace your mom' united front that we agreed upon.  This appeared to be what she needed to hear, as her attitude totally changed within about 10 minutes.
However...........last night when he picked her up, he got a similar attitude.  She got the same response and a dictate that she will be respectful.  After refusing to say hello to me when she came in, and sulking in her room for about 10 minutes, she came into the kitchen and was totally pleasant for the rest of the evening.  We had dinner, talked about the concert she's going to tonight, made cookies, played with the dog, and had a super fun pillow fight.  It seems as though when she's around me, she's fine.  She's never mouthed-off to me, been disrespectful, or anything.  The worst thing she's done is sulk! 
I am lucky to have a very close girlfriend who's been where TD is now, and she gives me some really good insight.  It's easy to forget how hard it is on TD to go back and forth between houses on an irregular schedule, between parents who schedule visitation through her (I'm working on that) and now to suddenly have to share her dad (only child) with this crazy woman who bakes for no good reason and is (apparently) nothing like her mother. 
It seems to be taking a toll on me, this in-between place I'm in.  In-between has never been my strong suit, neither has flexibility, which is required if you're going to live in-between.  I'm basically living in two houses.....the commute to my new job (which I love by the way) is less than 1/2 the time from his house than from mine.  I don't feel good about staying over when TD is there, though, so that means that my schedule revolves around hers, which is very irregular.  This week is a good example.......I was all excited to sleep in the same bed from Friday night through Tuesday night.  I had all my stuff packed, meals planned, etc, and on Sunday night I find out that NG is getting TD Monday night.  Grrrrrrrrr.  So I have to repack my stuff and head home last night.  Luckily TD looooooves my dog, so I didn't have to shuffle her between the houses this morning on my way in to work.  NG and I live about 35min apart.  Not terrible, but not next door either.  I got home last night at 8p and left this morning at 6a.  It's not a huge deal once, but it just keeps happening.  Maybe I'm being whiny.  NG did apologize for not keeping me in the visitation loop, but I'm not sure anyone is in the visitation loop!  I think they just make it up as they go along!  Not easy for me, and I doubt it's easy for TD. 
Ok, so enough gripping and complaining.  I love my new job, I love NG, he is looking forward to going with me to my dad and stepmom's this week for Thanksgiving, we're going to make a mini-Thanksgiving for the three of us this weekend, and my life is really very good.  Incidentally, this has given me much greater insight into my own stepmom's struggles with me, and I was 25 when I got her!

Wow

Big happenings since my last post!
NG and I went to Georgia to see his sisters and (some of) their kids.  I think they liked me, at least that's what NG said.  Having mad baby skills helps...... when you can get a cranky 1yo to take a nap you get HUGE points.  I thanked my sister-in-law for that.  We had a really good time, and I like his sisters.  TD was moody, but overall pretty good.  She greeted me with a HUGE hug on Friday when I met them at NG's house, and I got another big hug Sunday morning.  She stayed with her cousin on Saturday, which was nice.  Usually when TD is with her cousin bad things happen, hair gets cut, mischief ensues, but this time they were very good.  TD does relatively well with behavioral corrections from me, and I think I have NG to thank for that since he backs me up.  She continues to try to 'tattle' on me, telling NG that I told her not to do something, and he continues to tell her that my rules are his rules.  On the car ride home she asked when we are getting married, if we had sent the invitations out, and why we hadn't.  NG explained that he had to ASK me to marry him, to which she replied "Hey Courtney will you marry my dad?"  Cute as pie.  We told her that is a decision we have to make and we'd keep her posted, she was temporarily seemingly satisfied with that.  When we got back on Sunday, and I asked NG to drop me off to grocery shop while he took NG to her mom's.  I want to meet bio-mom on my (ie. NG's house) turf, not on hers.  NG is trying to renegotiate some visitation and financial stuff, and I'm seeing fireworks coming.  It seems as though he has made himself available to spend holidays with TD, biomom, and her family since the seperation to make things easier on TD.  The result, it seems, has been confusion for TD.  So now he's going to be drawing some boundaires and I'm guessing yours truly will get the brunt of that.  I hope I'm wrong.
Today I started my new job.  I didn't sleep well AT ALL last night.....dreams about showing up at the wrong job and trapsing about in a bathing suit at work.  Anxiety anyone?????  I have never worked in a city, and now I'm smack dab in the middle of one.  That's a much bigger adjustment than the job itself.  I got lost twice, once on my way back from my car, once on my way to my car.  Pitiful.  I walked in my  building 4 times before I made it to my office.  NG led me (in his car) to my parking garage so I wouldn't get lost, then came to take me out for lunch to avoid first-day social awkwardness with the new work folks.  No prompting, all his idea.  So impressed AGAIN.  I like my new coworkers, and the job itself seems like a cakewalk compared to my last one.  Much less paperwork, fewer legalities, less severe issues.
So change, change everywhere.  I'm trying really hard to enjoy it and not worry, but as my dreams indicate, there's quite a bit of anxiety associated with all of it.  We talk about our future as if it's a foregone conclusion, down to whether TD is considered my dependent or not as far as my benefits at my new job.  It seems totally insane and totally sane all at once.  What's a girl to do????

Shoes

I think perhaps the other shoe is dropping.  NG and I have been so happy in our happy little world that I was starting to think it may not happen, but last night bio-mom (BM) gave NG some crap about visitation and child support.  This is the first time this has happened since we started dating, and may be the first time period.   
We are going to NG's sister's this weekend in another city, taking TD with us.  Something about the days he had her last week and will have her this week didn't fit in BM's head correctly and she fussed about it.  Nevermind that NG is supposed to have TD two weekdays on the weeks he doesn't have her for the weekend, which never happens.  I'm not sure what her issue was about the child support, but knowing that she makes roughly double what NG makes I can't imagine she's waiting on it to buy groceries or anything.  Verdict?  She's getting pissy because she knows he's moving on.  They've been divorced for several years, but he hasn't been serious about someone since.  So now I'm wondering how fussy she's going to get.  Stick strictly to the visitation schedule fussy or do her best to ruin our lives fussy? 
On positive notes, NG went to my hometown with me this past weekend.  I wonder when I will stop being so amazed by him.  Friday morning some fire alarms were going off in one of my dad and stepmom's rental houses.  We were hung over from the ball game the night before, but NG VOLUNTEERED to go check it out with my dad.  It wasn't a fire, it was an electrical issue with the alarms, and NG is an electrician, so it made sense for him to go but I was SO impressed.  I think my dad was, too, but he didn't mention it to me.  He really loved the farm, and wants to move there as soon as TD is out of high school.  I can't even express how much that means to me. 
In additional wonderment.......I have a cold.  It's not a big deal, it's not the flu, it's just a head cold.  I have never been taken care of by a man like he has been taking care of me.  He was all worried that he was going to run out of tissues last night.  He got me juice, made me tea, gave me medicine, rubbed my head, and didn't make icky faces when I blew my nose.  My dog was sprayed by a skunk a few days ago, despite a good bath she was still stinky, and he would NOT let me give her a bath, he was irritated that I would even think about it.  "I'll do it, you're sick!"  It was the sweetest thing.  He talked to her the whole time......called her "stinky butt", told her she was a good girl for not shaking on him, just so sweet.  I was again totally impressed. 
Oh, and the other shoe thing?  I'm finishing up my job this week, start my new one on Monday.  I can tell I don't really care about being here anymore because I keep wearing my casual shoes.  :-)

Lovely

Well things continue on at their lovely pace.  NG met my brother, sister-in-law, and their kids (3yo girl and 6yo boy) this past weekend.  It went swimingly.  We had dinner, a few beers, watched some football, and just generally chilled.  He got the seal of approval from them, my brother's only reservation being his fear of me getting kicked in the face again.  When my s-i-l told him that NG is the one talking more about marriage and babies than I am, that fear seemed to disappear.  We're heading to my hometown tonight to meet my dad and stepmom, along with a bunch of hometown folks who have basically known me since I came into the world.  No pressure. 
I've been spending more time with TD and so far only minor indications of step-shenanigans.  We were shopping on Monday and she went into her dad's dressing room and told him I left her by herself.  He, knowing me and knowing his daughter, didn't believe her and didn't even flinch.  When she came out and told me this, I just told her it wasn't okay to lie.  No fireworks, no crap, just successful limit-testing. 
I'm so impressed with NG's parenting skills.  He's an authoritative parent, by broad category, in that his expectations for her behavior are pretty high and so is his level of warmth and affection.  For example.......as we're driving to the mall she's telling this clearly exaggerated story about her teacher 'picking on' her and being 'mean' to her, etc., etc., etc.  Not abnormal for an 8yo, and clearly a test of how we would handle this.  So I put on my therapist hat, asked some information-seeking questions, discovering (of course) many behaviors of TD that caused the teacher to call her down.  NG jumps right in, similar questions, comments, etc., and holds her (not the teacher) responsible for her behavior.  I was so impressed.  There was no yelling or belittling and there was also no placating or apeasing.  I teach parenting, and THIS is what I ask parents to do!  I think a big part of our success as parent and stepparent is going to hinge on his tolerance or lack of tolerance of any behaviors she might throw my way.  I'm hearing lots of stories of very permissive fathers making step situations unbearable, so far he's backing me up, and that makes me hopeful.

Another weekend..........

......a new set of questions. 
NG went hunting last week, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday morning.  He had TD Wednesday night, so we hadn't seen each other since Tuesday.  Given that it was his weekend to have NG, combined with the fact that we hadn't seen each other, meant TD and I spent some significant time together this weekend.  I got to his house about 2:30p on Saturday, stayed until about 9, came back about 10 the next morning.  He went on a work trip yesterday, so I left when he left about 4.  TD was there all of Saturday and most of Sunday.  She and I continue to get along well.  She's a picky eater, but not terribly difficult to accomodate (mac and cheese with creamed corn mixed in????  eeew! but easy), and she likes to help.  She is showing some jealousy, but I think that's pretty normal.  When I explained it to NG, he seemed to get it.  If I'm standing next to him in the kitchen, she squeezes between us; if we're sitting on the couch, she's laying across us.  She also seems kind of conflicted, which I also think is pretty normal.  She asked him (Sunday morning when I wasn't there) when they could spend some time together "just us", but when he told her they were going out for dinner "just us" this coming Friday, she insisted I come since I'm "part of the family now.  Kinda."  She asked NG last week why he and her mom couldn't get back together when they can be nice to each other now.  He explained (again, she asks this every few months apparently) that they can be nice for a little while, but not for a long while.  She's fine to me, though, so far.  We went on a walk Saturday night, just her and I, while NG did the dishes.  Asked if my dog could spend the night since I was going home and coming back in the morning.  She was super excited when I told her she could help me with my holiday baking, asked me to braid her hair, wanted to help me wash aforementioned dog (who rolled in something icky), told me she thought I would be pretty when her dad and I have babies, helped us with breakfast, etc.  Yell at me if any of this seems odd, I'm flying by the seat of my pants here. 
The other question is how I'm supposed to interact with her mom.   NG didn't invite her in Sunday when she came to get TD, and I'm pretty sure she usually comes in to get her.  He said he wanted to avoid the awkwardness until he and I had a chance to talk about it.  I don't think it's appropriate or healthy to pretend I'm not there or to avoid her for much longer.  I'm totally out of my element here, any advice?

Congratulations!

This is apparently what greeted NG when he went to pick TD up from tutoring last night.  (As a side note, I figured out why she goes to tutoring, she has trouble getting re-started after the summer, so she goes for the first couple months to get on track.)  NG was congratulated on his marriage by the tutor.  His marriage you say?????  Yes.  Apparently TD is telling everyone that her dad is either getting married or has gotten married, he couldn't really tell.  Um....hello awkward situation!  Yes, we're seriously talking about marriage, it's really an assumption at this point, but I have no essential hardware.  It's not official until there's hardware and a date.  I wouldn't expect her to understand that, of course, but hopefully he explained something similar to her.  She was surprised and apparently disappointed that I was not there when she got there last night.  NG is going out of town a lot in the next few weeks, so I thought it would be good for them to have some time by themselves.  I'll see her some this weekend anyway.  It's wonderful that she is so welcoming of me, and I'm definitely not looking a step-horse in the mouth, though a significant part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop.  She was really struggling with the divorce, asking about them getting back together as late as this past spring.  She told me all about the kids-in-the-midst-of-divorce group she was in with the guidance counselor at school, The Pink Group, it was apparently called.  She said it helped a lot, but seriously, where's the backlash????

So this brings up some interesting questions.............Has she relayed the same (mis)information to her mom?  School personnel?  What would be an 8yo daughter's role in a wedding?  Does there have to be a backlash or am I just cynical?

The only thing constant.........

.........is change.  This according to my always wise and profound father. 

I have worked in the same building, with many of the same clients and coworkers for the last 4 years.  In a few weeks I will embark on a brand new journey- new town, new environment, new clients, new coworkers.  It is terrifying.  The things that give me mental health system street cred will not be applicable in my new world.  No one will care that I know about funding streams and Medicaid, billing rates and DMH.  I will have to use my actual clinical skill and build new relationships.  I've done it before, but it's been a long time.

As if that wasn't enough, I'm also diving into a relationship and probable marriage plus stepparenting.  NG frequently talks about our family, our home, and our life together.  I don't even get time to think it's not real when he does it again!  He leaves me sweet messages on the refrigerator, written in his daughter's magnetic letters.  Somehow, it's more endearing that way.  He packed my lunch the other day, loaded a HUGE dog crate (we're dogsitting) into my trunk so I wouldn't have to struggle with it, and helped me stop worrying about a tough conversation with my boss.  Last night we discussed finances and building an addition on to his house.  Who has what debt, credit scores, financial goals and preferences, income, etc.  Now there's a conversation that will take your head out of the clouds of new love!  I'm dumb about money stuff sometimes and it is terrifying to think about for me.

It's a lot, and it's all at once.  Oddly, this is what my aforementioned always wise and profound father said was going to happen.  "It will all happen at once, honey, and you won't know what hit you."  How is it that he's still always right???  Anyway, change is good and I'm pushing ahead full steam through the fear. 

Spelling Words

Tonight I spent some more time with TD.  I had a job interview down his way and NG, being his nice self, asked me to come by on my way home for dinner.   He was outside conferring with his visiting dad on boy-type stuff like drainage and conduit, and I was inside with TD putting leftovers together for dinner.  I asked her what I would ask any 8yo.....
Me: "What do you have for homework?"
TD: "Spelling words, two math sheets, and 30m of reading."
Me: "Well what are your spelling words?"
TD: "Knife, knives, lie, lies........I'll go get my sheet!!!"
She was soooo excited.  She RAN out to her dad's truck and got her spelling sheet, brought it back in, and I quizzed her while we put dinner together.  I explained the concept of "change the Y to I and add ES", and how some of them (knife to knives) are just weird and have to be memorized.  Some of the words she didn't know the meaning of, which strikes me as a problem, so we talked about those.  We made flashcards out of notebook paper (no index cards), used them in a sentence, etc.  These are totally mundane things that I have always wanted to do.  Periodically NG would come through, give me a kiss, stir the chili, spell something wrong (he's a TERRIBLE speller) and go back out to his big boy toys to play with his dad.  We all sat down for dinner and the neighbor called.  NG's neighbor was shredding some trees and wanted to know if he wanted mulch for anything.  NG, being the great guy he is, tells him he'll call him back in a few minutes.  (I had not a clue why at the time.)  When TD asked him why he didn't just say yes, NG explained that decisions like large piles of chipped wood don't just effect him now and he wanted to check with me.  I told him that anytime he wanted to make me a flower bed, I would be more than happy to play in it.  I love stuff like that.  This was intriguing to TD.  I asked her if she had ever planted flowers and she said "No, Mom doesn't have time for that."  I don't know why I reacted so strongly, but she sounded very sad, and not in a dramatic tween kind of way.
When she was getting ready to go to tutoring (what high-functioning 3rd grader needs a tutor?????), she asked "When will you be here when I'm here again?  Cause next time you're here that I'm here, bring flowers and show me how!"  I was suddenly struck with this impression of her as very needy, not in an inappropriate, dramatic, attention-seeking kind of way, but in a very real way.  This may well be a premature judgement on my part, and I'm willing to re-evaluate, but this runs right with what NG has told me about her mom.  She's very career-focused, works 16 hours a day, and TD watches the Disney Channel in her room whenever she isn't at school.
On the way to tutoring, she apparently went on and on about how much she likes me and asked her dad when we're getting married.  NG apparently replied "We'll see, but probably next year."  This was super exciting to TD, apparently she just can't wait for us to be "a real family", as she has talked about before.  No pressure.  Later, she told him she's afraid I'll become mean after we get married.  NG, insightful man that he is, said "Like asking you to brush your teeth and clean your room?", to which he got a silent lack of reply.  Silly adults and our expectations.  Hahaha!

The Big Meeting

Saturday was the day.  We, in our infinite adult wisdom, had planned it so that TD would be distracted by her grandfather visiting and the party we were having so it wouldn't be such a big deal.  We, in our infinite adult wisdom, totally underestimated TD.  She was not to be deterred.  She stuck to me like glue most of Saturday and all of Sunday.  We made smores, we made banana boats, we putted in the yard with golf clubs (at which time I stepped in a fire ant hill, not cool at all), we watched tv, she fell asleep across our laps at the campfire.  While I was cooking she was sitting on the counter talking.  If I was sitting on the deck, she was sitting beside me.  She almost followed me into the bathroom!  She wanted to know everything.........what do I do at work and why, how long have I known her dad and how many babies do I want to have if we get married, what's my favorite food, where did I meet her dad, why do I like football, and on and on and on.  I, in turn, got to hear about NG's previous girlfriends that TD has met, how they weren't very nice, how it "just didn't work out", and various and sundry things about her mom.  This appears to be her personality, and she doesn't get it from her dad. 

Saturday was a big day for me, since I met his daughter, his father, his aunt, and his cousin and his wife and their kids all in one fell swoop.  As his aunt was leaving she says to him "She's so cute!", not knowing I was literally standing right beside him.  We were outside at the campfire, so it wasn't bright, and she thought I had gone inside.  We all got a good chuckle out of that.  TD tells me Sunday that she likes me because I talk to her, then informing me that her mom doesn't talk to her, smokes, and is sometimes a brat.  All of these things apparently go together in TD's mind.  I think my reply was something brilliant like "Oh." 

All in all, I think it went really well.  I'm very interested to see if there's any fallout from it, or more realistically, what the fallout is, not if it will happen.  When she called her dad to say good night she wanted to say good night to me, too.  She's a very sweet little girl, sometimes has a sassy mouth, but generally very sweet.  So far so good.

Quoteable Quotes

Last night NG asked TD (he has her for the weekend) what she thought about Dad's girlfriend.  "If she loves you, I like her.  I like her curly hair, and if she wants to have babies I like her."  Apparently TD is 8 going on 16.  She has always wanted a sibling and according to NG is a very maternal little girl.  Obviously only time will tell, and a lot of kids say they want siblings right up until one comes along, but I still (probably naively) think it's a good start. 

Well..........

no sooner do I start a dating blog then I appear to be done with dating! At least that's the working plan, according to Nice Guy. I have never dated someone so committed so quickly. For me, this is a very very good thing. I'm not a fan of ambiguity and I'm not getting younger. He said he knew when I walked in on our first date, it took me a bit longer. NG is family-oriented, kind, gentle, and fun. I have never been with someone so unintentionally thoughtful. He does random stuff like leaving me sweet messages on the refrigerator written with his daughter's magnet letters, making dinner on a Sunday when I will be travelling, and sending me a sweet text message when HE is outside walking MY dog. NG loves my dog (not her hair, but I don't love her hair either), loves me, and is excited to be a family one day. He wants to build an addition to his house, have two kids, and live between my family farm in VA and his in NY when we're old. We will literally have 2 1/2 kids and a dog. We will be the statistical average. Our kids will be short, and we joke about the need for ground level instead of overhead cabinets. I am frequently surprised by how much he wants to be with me, and how its not needy and weird, he just likes me that much.

So maybe my blog now becomes one of the perils of dating a man with a child. She is a pistol from what I gather. She's very bright and doesn't miss a thing. When she saw the food and water in bowls on the floor, she asked who has a dog. "My friend." "Friend or girlfriend?" "Girlfriend." "Girl-friend or girlfriend?" She's 8. The other day she wanted to know if I sleep with him when I come over. I'm a little concerned that this is a planted question from her mom, but 8 isn't what it used to be either. She really wants to meet me, and we're letting her get used to the idea of me for a little while first.

We're not really sure how much the ex dates or how much TD knows about her mom dating. I'm concerned about the whole situation, but NG says he isn't really. "She is a good judge of character, being the awesome person you are, she'll like you quickly." He also said the ex has always said she knows he'll get married again and have more children. She wants to set a good example for TD, and that seems to be her primary concern. I would never do anything to the contrary. I'm reading up on the stepparenting thing, really just trying to get some ideas of what not to do so I don't screw something up unintentionally. NG and I have talked about it some, and we're on the same page. That's one of the best things about us I think, we make a good team.

His dad is coming to visit the first week of October and he wants me to meet him. His dad and TD are close, so I'm wondering how that will play out. Advice, comments, and suggestions are more than welcome, this is totally unchartered territory for me!

As a sidenote, I am really amused and inspired by two blogs I have found in my search for reflections on stepmothering. One is http://witheyeswideopen2.blogspot.com/, wonderfully candid.  The other is accessed through the button below, unapologetically non-domestic and childfree, La Belle Mere has not lost her singleton soul since becoming a married.  :-)

*sigh*

I have nothing to complain about. I started this blog so I would have somewhere to complain and laugh at the ridiculousness of dating. Apparently after only 3 guys worth of entries, things stopped being so ridiculous!! Not that I'm whining, believe me, the sooner I can stop living in the ridiculousness, the better as far as I'm concerned.

Obviously, things are still going well with NG. We both feel like we're really really compatible, and we're both aware it's been less than a month. I'm typically the one that starts thinking about future stuff first, but he totally beat me to it. I swear we share a brain.

His dad is coming to town at the end of the month and he wants me to meet him. He'll be coming to the burg with me for a football game pretty soon. His daughter is about to BUST SOMETHING to meet me, but we're holding off on that just to be sure. She sent me a few texts from his phone the other day while we were writing back and forth, got a big kick out of that. We're trying to really ease into it with her. The last woman he dated didn't like her, didn't like kids at all from what I gather, and the feeling was mutual. I don't want us to get attached and then have it not work out. That's one kind of heartbreak I haven't had and am not interested in experiencing. He swears he's not going anywhere.....I'm actually starting to believe him!

There are a lot of things about him that are very different from other guys I've dated. For starters he's not tall and has hair. More importantly though, he's more like me than anyone I've dated. I can just be myself and he gets all excited and tells me how great I am. Totally random thoughts? Follows them. Sense of humor? Gets it. Pretty dress, heels, makeup and hair perfect? Loves it. Hole-in-the-knee jeans, ball cap, Tevas and a ratty t-shirt (helping him paint cabinet doors)?? Loves it. Swanky restaurant? Happy. Fire pit in a friend's backyard? Happy. I've always wanted a well-rounded man and here he is! Family-oriented. Industrious. Funny. Smart. Adoring. Easy-going. Animal loving. No complaints indeed.

The Good Continues.......

and I'm trying to just enjoy it instead of worrying about the getting-kicked-in-the-face part. Nice Guy continues to be nice. More than nice, really, he's super sweet.

We went out with one of his coworkers and her husband on Friday night, courtesy of the company. Very nice dinner and the musical version of The Color Purple. The coworker was very nice, her husband seemed to struggle to put words together, so the company wasn't so fun. Being with NG made up for it, though. We always have something to talk about and really enjoy being together.

Saturday we went to South Carolina to a locally famous (apparently) peach stand. We had peach ice cream and bought various peach products to enjoy together later. On the way back we stopped for a beer at the US National Whitewater Center (www.usnwc.org). He had never been there and wanted to see what I talk about all the time, plus they have a REALLY good beer list. We had a few beers, then headed back to his house for dinner. We made venison chili for dinner and he seemed surprised that I will eat venison. I told him I won't kill it, won't dress it, but if you'll bring it to me in plastic I'll cook it! He liked that plan just fine. :-)

Sunday we just hung out. NG is in the midst of a kitchen renovation, so we went to Lowe's to look for paint and pulls for his kitchen cabinets. He is color blind, so picking out paint is clearly not a strong suit. It's fun to do that kind of stuff, and we had a ball wandering around Lowe's and making plans for his house. He talks about us being together in the future, and while that's kinda scary this early, it also isn't. We are very compatible, in both important and unimportant ways. We both lost our mothers at young ages, both grew up on farms and don't want to raise kids in a city, both want kids (or more kids for him), both pretty much stick to traditional gender roles. We also have random things in common-- taste in music, strong coffee, food preferences, and similar taste in beer. There are a lot of things that are very good about this that are hard to enumerate, as I think about the words, I'll update. Bottom line is that at this point it looks like if this doesn't stick, I don't know what will.

*sigh*

Nice Guy is still nice. Seriously. Really nice. Texts, IMs, calls. Offers to come here to see me, instead of me going there, and not just so I'll cook for him! He says sweet things, he's devoted to his daughter, enjoys his career, I'm not quite sure what to do with all of that.

Last night we met at PF Changs at 5:30p. The earlier the better, says Nice Guy, because he wants to spend as much time together as we can. He has his daughter this weekend and Katie's coming to see me, so it worked out well. He was so excited about our date that he would send me countdowns. Started a few days before, cute as can be. So we had dinner, split dishes, drank saki (yum!), and just talked. He keeps telling me how happy he is that we found each other. *sigh*

Neither of us had given the first thought to what we wanted to do after dinner, we were just so excited to get together again. This occurred to us about half way through dinner when we realized we were, well, half way through dinner and it was only 6:30p! So we kicked around a few ideas, but we both have had really really a long week at work, so we decided to go back to his house and watch a movie. Quiet was what we both needed. I picked Stepbrothers with Will Farrell, needed humor, not drama. Terrible movie, funny, but terrible. It took Nice Guy almost the whole movie to kiss me.

We have good chemistry. He's very sweet, but in a masculine way. I love his house. He's shorter than most guys I've dated, and it's unexpectedly nice. He is very open about how compatible he believes we are, and how excited he is about us. He thinks about the future and is putting me in those thoughts. I like that and it makes me wary, the guy who inspired this blog was the same way at first. I really hope this guy is for real, I don't think I can get my face kicked in again. The good news is that Nice Guy knows I'm wary and is willing to roll with it.

Just Nice

I can't find a funny name for the new guy!!! No facial hair, no odd coversations about the end of the world, just a nice guy and a great date. Technically, I could call him New York since he's from there, but he's from upstate and has almost no accent, so that's not really a defining characteristic. He has spiky hair (shockingly isn't bald), but its not a mohawk or anything, so it's not particularly defining either. I guess I'll just go with Nice Guy for now, until I come up with something else.

Of course, in my world being a Nice Guy is a pretty defining characteristic! Soul Patch disappeared with some ramblings about his back. Bizarre, and definitely not nice behavior. Self-involved is a good description.

So Nice Guy and I met at Birkdale, had a glass of wine at the Corkscrew then dinner at the Fox and Hound next door. We were going to see a movie, that was the original plan, but we just got wrapped up in talking and never got around to it. We have a ridiculous amount of things in common. Big stuff like growing up on farms and losing our moms at a young age, and little stuff like being allergic to bees and needing to be fed frequently to avoid crankiness. Our date was Sunday night and we've talked every night since. I'm trying very hard to avoid the too-much-too-soon trap.

He's divorced and has an 8 year old daughter. He says the relationship with his ex-wife is amicable, no fighting over custody/visitation or any shenanigans like that. His daughter is excited for him to date, so that's good. He was unsure how I would feel about her, but I told him as long as everyone gets along and acts like grown ups enough to work out problems, I'm on board. I'm not interested in getting in the middle of drama, but it doesn't sound like there is any, or if there is it isn't much. Obviously I won't be meeting her anytime soon, but its good to know that the ground work seems to be there.

So our next date is tomorrow, Thursday, then probably Sunday. He has his daughter tonight and this weekend and I have company this weekend anyway, so it works out well. Stay tuned!

Shhhhh.....

......if you're really quiet, you can hear my ovaries drying up. At least I can.

Soul Patch, despite his impressively intense attention while together, seems completely unable and/or unwilling to initiate communication outside of that time. Persona non grata. He eventually responds to email or texts if I send them, but does not do anything unprompted. I decided yesterday to venture an invitation to the Whitewater Center on Thursday. He hasn't responded yet, and it always takes him a while when he does. IF we go out again, and that's (literally and figuratively) a big IF, I'm going to let him know he's going to have to step up if he wants to pursue this. I refuse to chase him. Ridiculous.

I'm exchanging emails with another guy. He doesn't have a fun nickname yet because we haven't been out. He's going to be out of town this weekend, so an actual date is going to have to wait. He's supposed to call at some point, we'll see. Has potential.....seems to have an actual career, forms full sentences, 39yo, and of course bald. I still don't know what that's about, I don't do it on purpose!

I had an email from another guy...........is it bad that I don't want to talk to him because he has a weird name?????? He has a little kid name, and I think that's weird for a grown man.

So that's the update. Not really an update more than a notification that nothing is happening. In this case, no news is bad news. Seriously, I can hear my eggs dying.

Hmmm.....

Later the same night of my last post, Soul Patch emailed. "Wanna do something sat?" Hmmm.....

On the one hand I'm thinking ok, he's a guy and guys (as I'm told repeatedly by my married friends) are weird. This one, apparently, is communication weird. On the other hand I think this man is an editor, he writes and fixes peoples' writing for a living, and the best he can come up with after a week and a half is "wanna do something sat?" Are you kidding me????? But we had fun on our last date, so ok off we go.

As a side note, I think sometimes that the most amusing thing about all this dating mess is the advice I get from my friends. Almost simultaneously I will get the exact opposite information. "Let him come to you." says one friend. "If you want to go out with him, ask him out." says another. Given the technological age we live in, I can and have received these two conflicting pieces of advice within 10 minutes of each other. It's enough to make a girl's head spin.

So the odd thing about Soul Patch is the sporadic nature of his communication. Its very spotty and often leaves me hanging. Didn't plan our date until about noon on Saturday, then I didn't get confirmation of where/when we were meeting until about 5p. I'm a planner, so I don't do well with that. Upon reflection, the underlying message here is that I need to unclench!! Seriously. I've been told this before, I've known this for a long time, and Mr. SoulPatch is showing it to me in living color.

We met at Boudreaux at 7 and then went to see The New Familiars at The Neighborhood Theatre next door. Dinner was yummy, good Cajun food (a little spice is nice) and my favorite beer (Chimay) on tap, which is very rare. Conversation took a minute to warm up, but once it did we were all set. We hopped next door and ended up having to hang out for quite a while before the music really got started. That was fun, we got to talk more and people watch. Ended up running into two good friends of mine, so that made the night even more fun. It was also a good opportunity to get some opinions on my date. Sarah really liked him, Scott withheld judgement since he didn't get to talk to him as much as Sarah, but did ask what my issue is with bald men. Leave it to Scott to ask the question to which I have no answer.

SoulPatch is very affectionate and snuggly. I'm all for that most of the time, I think I'm more shy about public affection than he is, but he takes hints really well. There was some dancing, and I haven't danced with a man in years, and some kissing and just general goodness. Attacked me like a starving man again when he walked me to my car, and I'm really starting to look forward to that now that I'm not so surprised. It's very clear that the attraction and chemistry are there, now its time to find out if there's any meat on the bone, so to speak.

Ugh

This is what frustrates me so much about dating. Soul Patch has said multiple times in emails that he wants to go out again. I'm thinking this is a good thing since our date went really well. He responds favorably and flirtatiously to emails, though I did realize early in the week that he never sends anything unprompted. Hmmm.......

So we go on like this for a week. I email, he responds, we flirt, repeat. After about the third time that he said something along the lines of "can't wait to see you again", I finally said "I'm busy Friday, but how about Saturday?" I have gotten no response whatsoever. Not a text, not an email, and certainly not a call. I refuse to chase him. If he isn't going to email/call/text/make some kind of freakin' contact at this stage in the game, I can't see it getting better! I've been through this before, and I'm not going through it again.

Some disagree with that hypothesis. I have heard that after a guy is REALLY into you, they call more. I can see it happening, though I haven't experienced it first hand.

So Soul Patch is on hold at best and kicked to the curb at worst. I'm not contacting him again unless he contacts me, which I doubt he will. Ugh. I was pretty excited about him.

Super Extra Tall

Super Extra Tall, or SET as he will be referred to, is anothe eH match. As it turns out, though, we were both members of the Charlotte Outdoor Adventures at the same time and have a couple of mutual friends. He called me about a week ago and we decided to go out this weekend. He didn't call to set that up until Friday afternoon, and I was out with friends, so on Saturday we decided to go out Saturday night. A little last minute, but that's ok. We decided on Birkdale for dinner at 8.

I didn't have any trouble finding him, SET is 6'5" so he doesn't exactly blend. I couldn't tell if he is shy and nervous or just quiet. By the time I finally hit on something he spoke spontaneously about, it turned out to be the very scary proposition of something called an Electromagnetic Pulse. This is apparently something that is created when a nuclear weapon is detonated. If one of these were to be detonated about a mile above, say, St. Louis, says SET, we wouldn't recognize it as a nuclear blast (having been detonated above the surface) but everything that runs our world would stop working. Cars, telephones, anything electronic. We're talking about planes falling out of the sky, no police, no hospitals, lack of refrigeration, etc. Anarchy. Awesome. Made me want to buy weapons, ammunition, a horse, and canned goods. This is what I was thinking about at 2am.

It hit me this morning. Leaving our date and after our first and only phone call, I have come away very unhappy with the state of our world. The phone call was discussion of impending economic depression, now its impending dark-ages type living. I think perhaps this is not a coincidence. *sigh*

Supposed to go out with Soul Patch again, we'll see when/if that happens............

Soul Patch

Last night was my first date with Soul Patch. He has an actual personality and the willingness/ability to plan a good date. We met at Revolution, a Mediterranean restaurant in the NoDa section of Charlotte. (NoDa = North Davidson, it's an artsy area complete with a Dog Bar. My kind of place!) Prior to arriving, he sent me a text saying he had on a red shirt and shorts, making it easier to spot him. I thought he meant he had on a red shirt and red shorts, so I was momentarily concerned. Regardless, though, it was helpful information since pictures are only so good when it comes down to it.

As a side note, I have mixed feelings about texting prior to a date and texting early in a relationship in general. It can become a way to not call, kind of a short cut of sorts. Sometimes I think it can decrease intimacy, and sometimes I think it can create familiarity. Random tangent.

So anyway.........my initial impression was good. He looked like his pictures, height given seemed accurate, and believe me, these are not givens. Pictures from 15 years and 50lbs ago are not uncommon for either gender. As seems to be my pattern, he's balding and has facial hair. (Who knows what that's about.) He seemed nervous, which in moderation can be really endearing. Conversation was good, humor was good. We have some odd things in common, like Wait Wait Don't Tell Me on NPR and the Daily Show. He likes the fact that Jon Stewart is my rock star boyfriend. Our politics seem pretty similar, music and beer tastes compatible. We decided to share a pizza, which can be a stumbling block. Ever tried to decide on pizza toppings with a friend? Try doing it on a first date. We had a remarkably easy time doing this, so I'm thinking baseline problem-solving skills are intact.

The after dinner plan was to go across the street to The Evening Muse to see Maia Sharp. Soul Patch is a music guy, and I'm all about that. I had checked out her MySpace (http://www.myspace.com/maiasharp) and loved it, so I was excited. He picked a loveseat for our seating, so my astute powers of observation told me he thought things were going well. She was really wonderful, very soulful, and not a little bitter! Right up my alley. We had a(nother) beer, listened to Maia, people watched, and just generally chilled. Easy to be around. He's a man with an imaginary drum set, and I think he was trying really hard not to play it too much. By the time she was done we were snuggled up and comfy.

Along the way, it came out that it was my birthday. At the end of the concert, I hit the bathroom (a necessity before a 45m drive home) and when I came out, he had gotten one of her CDs and was having it autographed for my birthday present. Today it occurred to me that I haven't had a birthday present from an (unrelated) man in years.

He's a demonstrative guy....huggy, touchy, hand on your back kind of guy. Not in a creepy way, in a good way. I assumed, given the aforementioned snuggling, that there would be a kiss when he walked me to my car. I could tell he thought this was a given, also, good to be on the same page. He goes to kiss me, nicely and appropriately, and then I swear he kissed me like a starving man eats a sandwich. And in a good way- interesting and unexpected.

We exchanged a few texts on the way home, and have exchanged a few today. I'm expecting a second date, but I haven't had a phone call yet (24 hours out) and no plans have been made. So we'll see. Stay tuned...........

Dirty Boy

This is the story of Dirty Boy. He didn't initially appear to be dirty of course, he saved his propensity for dirty clothes and not shaving for the second date. Seriously.

Our first date was pretty normal, on the good end of normal really. Fairly good conversation, good dinner, seemed nice enough........nice enough for a second date to be exact.

As a side note, it was on my way home from this first date that I had a blinding flash of clarity: the amount of conversation I have on a date is not directly related to the relationship potential of said date. In short, I can talk to anyone. When you have to make coherent conversation with people who are actively psychotic, people who are mostly coherent are a piece of cake.

Anyway---- date was good enough for a second date.

He emailed the next day (Friday), asked for a second date, called Saturday and we decided to take the dogs to the off-leash park Sunday morning. Phoebe was very excited to meet a new friend. Her mom was moderately interested in the date itself. I decided that capris and a t-shirt were appropriate attire for a Sunday morning park trip. When he got there I noticed he had on gym clothes. Given this was a pretty casual date, I wasn't initally alarmed. His dog was sweet (a Huskey) and got along well with Phoebe. As we were talking however, I realized he hadn't shaved, and probably hadn't shaved since Thursday's date. Through the course of conversation, I discover he went to play tennis yesterday, and that he played IN THE SAME CLOTHES HE WAS THEN WEARING on our date. Given that he hadn't shaved, I think there's a good possibility he had not showered, either. Tennis.....in Charlotte.....in July.

He called Monday morning at 7:30am. Bizarre time to call someone, even if you know they're a morning person. He called again Monday night at 10:30p, also a bizarre time to call someone when you know they're a morning person.

He is now known as Dirty Boy. There wasn't a 3rd date.

Getting Started

Well here it is, a diary of what it is like to be 32 *gasp!* and dating. Or trying to. Lots of first dates, a few second, and a rare third. After a particularly horrific experience with a recent boyfriend, it became evident that I could no longer contain all of the stories, ridiculousness, shenanigans, and belittling events that occur when someone is trying to find "the one". There is significant debate (in my head) on if "the one" even exists, or if its more a matter of just a good fit. "The One" is starting to feel like a juvenile and naive notion.

So here I am.........and a little backstory to make it all make more sense.......

Most recently I started seeing Jonathan*. All was GREAT. Spectacular. So great that I started to wonder what was wrong. I put these thoughts off as paranoia, too much time spent dating, too many bad experiences. We were planning trips, talking about meeting families, "I'm falling for you." came out of his (lying) mouth. Then WHAM he calls me up on a Monday night (after being in my house and talking about aforementioned trip on Sunday night) and starts babbling about his ex-wife and says he can't see me anymore. This blog is the aftermath of that experience.

Now I'm back to dating, via eHarmony. Most of my friends are fired from fixing me up, work is clearly not an option as the mental health center does not lend itself to romance, and I don't do well in bars.

The next page will be about the first guy I went out with after WHAM. Stay tuned.......

*names are changed to protect....well.......people, innocent or not